Friday 31 July 2009

To Adi, with love

Days spent in squabbles,
Dinners and Lunches,
Laughter and hugs,
Pain and joy shared alike,
For so long now,
It seems to stretch.

Hours spent talking,
Eating and teas,
Walks and water walks,
Work and worklessness,
A gang of siblings,
Living in a bond.

You are leaving now,
For a better tomorrow,
I brought you here,
So long ago,
Now it hurts,
To watch you go.

Tuesday 28 July 2009

A quest

A white rose lands in water,
The waves tiny wisps,
Drifting on to the deep,
To a tomorrow,
Bathing in the rays of the sun,
Away from yesterday,
On the stalk,
Now without direction,
No set destination,
Just floating away,
To an unknown destiny,
An adventure calling,
Breaking free from ties,
Of the life gone past,
Blues and Grey,
The ocean sways,
Swells and ebbs,
I glide in the peace,
Off to the sun,
The rose and I,
We slide across the seas,
The moon and stars,
Spectators of the flight,
Into the freedom,
Of a growing calm,
Drift along by my side,
By the rose too,
Join us in a quest,
For the purest independence,
Don’t lose me,
For I am never gone…

Damn the Tongue!

I talk nineteen to the dozen; I suffer from a verbal diarrhea of sorts. I have ideas, opinions, thoughts, anger, irritation, and impatience, all of it spilling over in a volley. That is probably why I don’t seem to make sense. I say so much, the value and worth of my words is lost in the volume. I speak fast and sometimes in annoyance, my voice shoots up to beyond tolerable levels. When my mind is racing away at speeds that are unimaginable, my tongue is still stuck with the previous thought and I have jumped again.

I think the fact that I say so much is somehow not a great thing anymore. I am not proud of the fact that I reinvent an idea as I am speaking, or that I keep making additions to thought as my mind travails through various paths.

But when does it strike you as a bad thing, something that never bothered me suddenly seems so irksome. An exasperatingly infuriating aspect to my personality, and not because I think so, but because the world or some people in the world perceive it to be so. A flaw which never even appeared to exist, something that never was a bother, seems like it has turned to a nasty storm.

Just one single time that I have had clarity in my speech. Wow! It feels like such a waste, everything in my head, my thoughts, my feelings, my perceptions, my ideas, all of them seem like such a bloody waste. I feel like a juvenile, I don’t know what.

Imagine, you grow up thinking you have a head screwed on right on your shoulders and pride yourself on the fact that you have an extremely strong personality etched out and you are one of the best turned out human beings you happen to know. This fact being reiterated by everyone in all the circles, personal and professional that you know. When you have been told repeatedly that you are by far the smartest person around and then suddenly there is this statement. That you made sense in just one conversation. Brilliant I must say! What a beautiful blow to my self esteem.

I’m flighty and fickle, my ideas are too many and I am unclear. I have a degree in communications and I have studied literature and science and pride myself on knowing a lot about a lot of things, but it’s time to rethink the ‘me’. Time to wonder what can be done about my obviously flawed personality.

All's a mess!

It’s horrible, when you can’t do anything about patterns and happenings in life, when everything has to get completely messed up and everyone is irritated and angry for absolutely no fault of yours. There are things and people wreaking enough havoc in life, enough to drive you nuts and then, the audacity to turn unreasonable anger at me.

I have not been working my frustrations off in class, so I guess its building up intensely. I wish I could control every aspect of my life, I could engineer everything to a perfection suited to my liking. But the truth is cruel and I know that this is a never ending cycle.

Rule Breaker

I am amazed at the number of plans and personal principles I have strayed away from in the last few months. I have not lived in so much denial ever. I never thought that I would have to adapt to circumstances that threatened personality changes or that I would be comfortable living life on not my own terms.

The fact that I have altered a pattern I would never change ever, is scary. It is bizarre that I am actually yielding and my thoughts are being influenced to such a degree. I have broken rules beyond pardon to myself and in scrutiny of my own self I am disappointed that I have let myself be. Time for serious introspection, if not amends.

Monday 20 July 2009

Inbetween Worlds

Yesterday I lay in bed, tossing and turning for a long time, and then I twisted into a fetal ball. I was shuddering and shivering for some strange reason. My body refused the rest it needed desperately. I am conserving emotion I tell myself. I try to think of the nonexistent monsters lurking under my bed. This was a prelude to all the nights to come. In returning insomnia spells, I lay staring up at the ceiling, then a little through the window at the pink sky.

My mind was wandering along passages strangely familiar in contorted alleys. I try to make sense of a falling darkness as it spills into the night wrapping everything in an impenetrable blackness. I feel cornered; stooping low I lie now in wait, in a land between sleep and wakefulness. Senses suspended, I slip finally into a restless slumber, relieved that I am now asleep.

Wednesday 8 July 2009

I'll sail into his arms

I’ll sail away into the sunset,
I’ll never come back here,
I’ll sail into seas and sands,
Of enticing faraway lands.
I’ll sing loudly to the waves,
Compete with the gulls,
Screaming in joyous glee,
I’ll hold onto the tide,
Drifting with the currents,
I’ll fly on the surf and jump,
I’ll dance with the dolphins,
Play with the whales and sharks,
I’ll tumble in the oceans depths,
I’ll walk on the sun’s lit path,
I’ll walk till I reach the kiss,
Of the sun and sea at the horizon,
I’ll laugh and frolic with the storms,
I’ll ride into islands of beautiful fronds,
I’ll blend into one with the blue blue ocean,
And sleep in his wide open arms…

Monday 6 July 2009

Mocking!

In this upside down world,
There is nothing normal,
Nothing real, everything is fake,
Facades put on for impressions.

Walk the streets for a while,
You will see sights that chill you,
Suck out your energy and your smiles,
Like the Dementor's kiss.

You rot away in your shell,
Spilling out your intellect,
Unnoticed for what you are,
Criticized for who you are.

I laugh and mock the stupid uns,
That walk and cry and are on the run,
From themselves and from their lives,
I only sit and watch the fun...

Thursday 2 July 2009

Fate's Cackling Laugh!

Fate plays a cruel game I said,
No I don’t she retorted,
We argued and tussled,
Crazed and angry we fought,
Macbeth’s witches seemed lovely,
Compared to our evil laughs…

The tempest was at hand,
I had to get onto the Grand,
And fly far away to another land,
She followed suit to tell me,
I should get the darned boot,
From life and death and life’s soot.

Kill me, I urged her on,
She cackled and laughed again,
And I grimacing looked on…
Fate I thought was beautiful,
This monster looked so awful.
In her will to win a nonexistent fight…

I laughed aloud in telling her so,
The fight was on but not quite like,
The way she thought would be right,
I fight you off or at least I try,
So I can be my own puppeteer,
Fate, you can go find someone else…

I live by my own rules and decrees,
Make my choices, the wrong ones too,
You dare not pick on me afresh,
Or I will pass by unawares,
Ignoring and sliding past afar,
Away from your dance of destiny…