Lost in the Bluest of Blue

Inkless!

2011-04-13T04:41:00.001-07:00

A book unopened,
A page unturned,
A pen lying listless,
As the days run past,
An overworked mind,
Chaotic and stressed,
Trying to make sense,
Of a bleak blankness,
Of a poem unwritten,
A thought incomplete,
Of life swishing past,
And of jumbled memories,
Dusted to life,
Of laughter quelled,
Of life unbecoming,
Twisting into a non entity.

Dark Passenger

2011-02-04T03:37:00.001-08:00

She pushes harder,
My resistance slips,
I refuse to give in,
She smiles darkly,
A slow sneer,
I slide further down,
Lusting for more,
The craving gnawing,
My insides yearning,
My dark passenger,
Slowly takes over,
Edging me on…
In the dark still,
Of a gloomy night,
As I pursue her dreams.

Dancing with darkness

2010-11-24T22:31:00.001-08:00

I stepped into the shadows,
One forward step, one side step,
One back step and started over again,
Closing my feet as I tippled down,
Lock stepping my way deeper into the night,
I danced alone with the darkness…

In the air, a little something

2010-09-29T00:34:00.000-07:00

Something in the air reminds me of you,
A tinge of colour from afar,
Paints a familiar picture,
Of days gone by,
Days I spent in the warmth of your arms…

There is a fragrance hanging,
Softly, oh so gently,
Clinging on to the shadows,
Of a memory that was,
Now quickly fading…

Being by your side,
The sense of elation,
I miss the feeling,
Of swinging on your arm,
I miss you…

Break Point!

2010-09-21T03:49:00.000-07:00

Mirages, Illusions,
A land of dreams,
Collapsing,
Castles in the air,
Evaporating,
What is real?
Princess or Queen?
Who? When?
A bloody lie,
A messy piece,
Of an old untouched pie,
If it was never so,
Why fake it?
Promises that fade,
Pictures that taint everyday,
No stream or pebbles,
No carpets or stories,
Just a monochromatic monotone,
Of boring reality,
Brutal in its honesty,
Limited in the absence,
Of flights of fancy,
Toying with a mind,
That is losing sanity.

The Epitaph of a Love Song

2010-07-14T04:25:00.000-07:00

Lost in collision,
Fading mist in the gathering light,
Rolling down the pillow road,
Bathed in a ghastly gloom,
A few words scattered across the stone,
That marks the head of the tomb,
An epitaph of a love song,
Lost in the deepening doom

Self Sketch

2009-12-29T03:57:00.001-08:00

I try sketching a self portrait in words,
Poetry and art,
Sculpting my own statue out of stone,
Critical and analyzing,
I drive my pen a little too hard,
The brush too far and the chisel too deep,
The words distort and the sculpture suffers,
The portrait stall,
Diffusing distress dwells,
Like a silent veil,
Over the pieces of art,
The soul of literature,
The sound of the chisel,
Suddenly silenced,
The paint brush and pen,
Stopped in their strides,
Pushing the lines of existence,
Of art dissolving into death,
Of life and the freedom to live…

Drifting Hues

2009-12-29T03:56:00.000-08:00

I’m a biker girl who wears no leather,
I’m a gypsy who lies on heather,
With not a frill, fancy or feather,
I’d live in a dungeon or tower,
Far from the noise in fair weather,
I’d drive on waiting for no breather,
High on life and spirits or either…

Cryin on with the winds and water,
I’ll roll into the earth and matter,
Drillin into deep sea like a mad hatter,
Not frettin bout the thinner or fatter,
Thinkin that can’t there be a falter,
For every once there does come a halter…

Laughin on and spinnin all faster,
Flyin high with a petal of aster,
With ain’t no worry or pester,
Me playin at bein my own master,
As funny as a live livin jester,
London or the far Lancaster…

Dream Crusher

2009-11-12T11:11:00.001-08:00

A cracked ceramic cup,
Leaking trickles of tea,
A splintered chip of wood,
Dug into layers skin deep,
A fractured rock,
Split into two,
A mirror shattered,
Reflections in slivers,
A page in tatters,
Words lost to cuts,
A broken wing,
Flight deferred,
A dream crushed,
Life’s labour lost.

Wanton Dreams

2009-11-12T10:33:00.001-08:00

Dreams like stray feathers,
Line the window sill,
Drifting with the wafts,
Flying by the wind,
Waiting to drop down,
Softly kissing the ground,
Unbroken, yet incomplete,
Unfulfilled and wanton…

Beauty and Love

2009-11-12T10:07:00.000-08:00

Manifestations of beauty and love

The book I just finished reading was beautiful, The Bonesetter’s Daughter by Amy Tan. There is something I read, that captured my imagination and it was the four manifestations of beauty. With any form of beauty, there are associated abilities.
The first one was competence, the ability to maintain a sense of balance, the same rhythm, the same truth the same charm.

The second was magnificence, this went beyond just skill and its simplicity making it unique, yet magnificent, the beauty of the small, the simple.

The third was divine, the aura of a suggestion rather than a proclamation of what is, an absent object identifiable just because it was missing.

The fourth, beyond even the divine was effortlessness, the ability to fathom natural wonder, a beauty of everything being effortless, a light weightless floating feeling, like a magic carpet beneath the feet.

This made me wonder if it was the beauty of love it spoke about, its manifestation and existence. Just pure bliss and serenity of competence, magnificence, divinity and effortlessness, the four axis’ of love across time and space.

A Flickering Flare

2009-11-11T12:42:00.001-08:00

Is it a flare or flicker? I am still in introspection. Is it the sparkle of a genius or just a passing spark that talent has bestowed? It is there for sure, but in phases, fleeting and transient. Flair, talent, skill, genius so close yet so far apart. I wonder if it’s there somewhere in the corners of the mind, lurking, waiting and biding its time to appear or reappear as in this case maybe.

There are days of dejection, disillusionment and days of absolute nonchalance and discomfiture. I wish the flicker or flare of genius would happen ever so often like a lasting light of some impression to me if not otherwise.

There are thoughts and hopes and fears and there is reality of it all, stemming yet nipping, the constant cycle of strength over lack of confidence and the reassurance that reality alters priority. Who cares? All I need is for it to light up and last in flames not go up in a cloud or fit of blue smoke, Pooufff! Just so easily like that, no way, I will make it last and work it like the coal and embers and then refuel and refill to the lasting day.

My flaming genius that flickers, you shall last and be remembered and reminisced, if I can I will and I must and should.

Fleeting!

2009-10-28T08:26:00.000-07:00

Swoosh said the wind,
Hark said the sea,
Fly on little bird,
Off and away,
Into the blue blue skies,
Away from fleeting time,
Away from dark days,
To peace and to calm.

A Ticking Time Bomb

2009-10-06T04:36:00.001-07:00

I didn’t notice the change,
The shadow of pain as it lingered,
I smiled yet again attempting to feign,
A fake happiness pretending,
That life is a ball game and I won.

What is loss or gain I wonder,
Everything is now a dull grey,
The smiles are watery strands,
Of a sorrow running deep,
Blocked in its path and stoppered.

I laugh some more now mocking,
The twists and turns that surface,
I like a time bomb ticking,
Wait for the next big hit,
They come crashing down at once.

Ready for the kill they descend,
Back to back ceaselessly they fall,
They drain me slowly of my strength,
My anger they use to hurt me more,
Watching in glee as I lose yet again.

Wallows!

2009-09-17T14:52:00.000-07:00

One wonders about the ways of the mind. The crazy creation of thoughts. The emotions that flow. There are things you say and things you don't, not even to yourself. This is a make believe world of fake reality. There is nothing good or bad about it, it just plain sucks and I am tired of playing games and asking trick questions. I want some solitude if I can't get what I want.

There is a sense of hopelessness and a cynical irony to the feeling. An indescribable angst that just makes the wallowing in self pity so much cooler.

Waiting for a Shadow

2009-09-16T04:45:00.000-07:00

I am standing,
Precariously perched on the edge,
Ready for the jump,
That will land me,
In the midst of cotton fluff,
Fields of softness and blues.

I slip down the precipice,
To descend into a bliss,
Of unheard of happiness,
That seeks to please,
Complimenting the calm of my world.

There are no boundaries,
No wasted souls in my worlds,
Peerless laughter is all that rings,
In the dense beauty of a paradise,
Created to draw the lines of love.

I sit there in the midst of my colours,
That have painted the walls of a castle,
Waiting and watching for a certain shadow,
To dance in the waters of my stream,
To blend into a unison with me and my world.

Wonder Blues

2009-09-13T11:23:00.000-07:00

Wasted in transit,
I am sitting on a bench,
Drying my tears,
In the blowing wind,
My head heavy, i droop.

The dampness of being,
Engulfs my soul,
Drawing me into depths,
Into unknown hollows,
Wrapped in time.

I thought it could be so,
Or rather that it would,
But the morning,
Is no longer the same,
And the night too cold.

I yearn for some warmth,
I lost a while ago,
So i sit here alone,
Sighing with the wind,
Hoping to find a better day.

Wanders

2009-09-11T06:19:00.003-07:00

Lost in my own darkness,
I wander fumbling,
Through winding corridors,
Gazing into emptiness…

The walls echoing,
With my empty thoughts,
Bouncing off as echoes,
Hollow and empty in their screams…

Hollering and ranting,
I run amok and astray,
Fleeing inner demons
Desperately trying to find my way…

Stumbling I reach some light,
At the far end of darkness,
I reach out to it and tug myself up,
Back into reality and back in time…

Folds of Love

2009-09-11T05:21:00.001-07:00

I am writing in the winds,
The sky my canvas,
To the open seas,
The endless horizon,
Little words of love,
Sealed with a kiss,
Aglow with a fiery passion,
The words sink,
Into the skies blue cushions,
They from clouds,
Full and desirous,
They float across the open,
Reaching out for ears,
Ears that are waiting far away,
To soak in the caressing words,
That drift his way,
He reads the painted love,
In words etched above,
The tingle of their meaning,
His heart yearning,
Watching and waiting,
For my lips to profess,
The words that I wrote to him,
In life and blood,
He craves to hold,
Me the elusive,
I yield to him at last,
Snuggling into the folds,
Of his divine love.

Misty Dreams

2009-09-08T05:31:00.001-07:00

There are smiles and sighs,
Laughter and tears,
The world spins on,
Into the wheel of time,
Slowly nearing nothing,
The soul yearns for something,
Bright, shiny and new,
The eyes keep looking,
For the silver lining,
Evading and elusive it fades,
And reappears again,
In another time and space,
Seeking a quest of the soul,
Dragging the mind along,
Covered in misty dreams…

Mocking Laughter

2009-08-23T09:17:00.000-07:00

I am laughing at myself today, at the way i react to the external world and to the things going on around me. I wonder and think about everything that went wrong and all the things that didn't go right, things that made me the person i am today. I have been hurt beyond measure. I am laughing still. I have so much to say and no words to say it with and no audience to say it to. I am still laughing.

Its ironic, the promises in the past, the ones that broke, the ones that were mended, the ones that were never meant to be kept and the ones that were misjudged. I have swept the dust off the surface, but the specks have left their mark. I look at the refection and smile at the thought of what was then in the past and i laugh at what is now in the present and i laugh at the future. I laugh at the way life has thrown its surprises and challenges. I wish i was as young as i used to be, or maybe as young as i never was.

What if…

2009-08-19T09:04:00.002-07:00

That is the primary question. But I do not have an answer to that one. I only have a counter question in answer to it. There is no ambiguity or so I had believed, but there are phases of self doubt and pangs of pain. I wish I had the power and the locus of control was within me, but as is the case everything spins off the orbit and goes off command.

I wonder about the ‘what if’s’ and ‘what not’s’ now, in a more delirious, haunting way, like slipping into tiny trances, of suspension. I do not know what the tomorrow holds in the folds of future, but I have control over my reactions in the present. I want to be in the now and stop wondering and fretting about a nonexistent tomorrow. But what if I can’t, now that’s again a what if.

Faint flush of youth

2009-08-19T09:04:00.001-07:00

A sparking peerless smile,
A laughing carefree heart,
Intellect and wisdom,
Split worlds apart,
Threading together a joy,
That seeks nothing but fun,
Light and fluffy life floats on,
Into clouds of freedom,
Everything and everyone,
Painted caricatures of blobs,
Drifting across the mind’s eye,
Like a piece of wood in a storm,
Oblivious and untouched,
Moving slow and fast,
Fretting about trivial things,
All ado about nothing
Passion and anger in turns,
Twisting fate and the soul,
Fighting with sheer angst,
The trials and tribulations of life,
Deepening colours of being,
In a time of ardour and zeal,
Lusting for sinful desires,
In all earnestness from within,
All springing from a state of being,
Of a faint flush called youth.

E=mc2

2009-08-19T09:03:00.001-07:00

Everything is relative; the world is spinning on an orbit around itself and revolving around the sun. But, even that is relative. The whole world runs on relativity.

My truth is relative, the fact that I am chocolate toned is relative, my love is relative, and my laughter is relative. I am relative. My language speaks to yours and my body responds to the relativity. I fade in and out of reality. But, the crux is that even reality is relative.

Something, nothing, everything, anything, all of it is possible at the same time. But what I choose to be in is where I will be and is how I will feel.

It’s a brilliantly intriguing concept and I am living in it, in a state of relativity. Of zero’s and one’s, the question of to be or not to be. Everything an arbitrary question with an answer that is just as relative.

A world of sense and nonsense in perfect harmony, blended into the nothingness of the universe.

Stolen

2009-08-18T07:12:00.001-07:00

A sheet is missing,
From pages long written,
Hours spent in duress,
To pen the stray thoughts,
That plague the mind’s eye,
Begging to be written,
Losing themselves in a flood,
Of musings and after thoughts,
A torrent of words in tumbles,
So much toil in the sheets,
Written to freeze ideas,
To stop them from eating the dust,
But the page is now lost,
In time’s recesses,
And I am on the hunt,
As I look for the pages,
That have a story to tell.

Living a dream

2009-08-17T05:26:00.001-07:00

A tiny little dream,
Tugs me on into worlds,
Unexplored and inviting,
They beckon me in,
I dive into their depths,
Discovering renewed life,
I smile unconsciously,
Their beauty, my inspiration,
Colours and painted rainbows,
Tinkling bells and dancing nymphs,
Laughter echoing in the emptiness,
Caves bathed in stalactite glows,
I walk paths never trodden,
Looking amidst the rushes,
Seeking a secluded space,
Where love and peace watch over,
Where I can bring him and hold him close,
Where I can whisper and scream,
Jump and dance unwatched,
As I confess to him my love,
In a dreamland entirely my own.

Odds and evens!

2009-08-11T05:45:00.000-07:00

I peer deep into the corners,
Trying to straighten out the folds,
Creases and crevices gone wrong,
Edges all unevenly hewn,
I rake up the insides of it,
Trying to spot the trouble,
I ignore tell tale signs,
I look deeper into the rubble,
Was it there or was it perception,
I try to smooth out odds and evens,
Fathoming the secrets a task mammoth,
I sit by and look deeper still,
I wonder and fret and grow impatient,
I wait in a restless temper,
It does not seem to fix,
I brood on into the night,
Of life and its twists.

Its a strange cold!

2009-08-07T11:33:00.000-07:00

The air is cold and still. The warmth is not in the comfort of the mattress or in the layers of the quilt. The cold has seeped in through the leaks, all the way to the insides of the heart, It claws its way deeper into the roots of a cozy warmth.

Cold, not a sudden blood rush and goosebumps cold, but a slow slithering cold, drippy and nerve raking. It bites and twirls around the body, a chilling shiver sent down the spine. The cold travels and freezes slowly, like dry ice, like a burst of carbon-di-oxide. I feel every inch of my body go slowly numb. Dragged into stillness by the cold.

Let go! Blow it away...

2009-08-07T11:16:00.001-07:00

I think of the times i had tiny cotton fluff held between my fingers and let them go. Like slipping them into the air just to watch them drift down softly, to land without a sound, like a soft kiss to the ground.

Everything in this world is like that, like a piece of cotton fluff. People, circumstances, feelings and emotions. Held between fingers, letting go or just blowing it away, every time you hold it, you know you will let go. So watch every thing around you like an outsider, watching the drift of the cotton fluff, on its journey to the floor.

I let go, i watched, i smiled in the knowledge. Happiness is best felt when it is for someone who means the world to you, when they have a reason to be happy and you share in it. Unadulterated joy of knowing what immense happiness is for something that has no impact on you. You just know that someone happy brings you so much joy.

Letting go, is hard. It hurts and screeches and wails, but the wound seals up so soon with the love in the heart. It takes love and courage to let go, to feel that immense state of bliss of watching something go away. Yet your knowing that it was yours and touched you in such a pure way and filled you with a peace so alien, you thought it was a dream.

Some of us journey through life trying to survive and we forget to love and live. The key is in learning to differentiate. From laughter and tears, comes both joy and sorrow. Sift through them and hold on to the smiles, they are worth a lot more tahn you know.

Love is a piece of art that we seldom see and comprehend, all of us have a small piece of this jigsaw of art missing. Some link that is broken or some heartache that lies just beneath the surface. It is natural to feel pain, as natural as it is to love and love heals pain, all of it, slowly and softly, it dwells on in the heart and binds the soul. Blow the pain away, let the sorrow go...

Futile hunt for Inspiration

2009-08-05T08:14:00.000-07:00

An aching back and no inspiration; that is the current scenario, my life has two current problems. The aching back has now become an everyday thing something I am getting used to again. The lack of inspiration is more complicated. I miss some people I don’t have in my life anymore; I miss the conversations and the talks. Also, I haven’t met anyone in a long time that is worth being inspired by.

I realized that there are a lot of really nice to really amazing people in my world who deserve love and respect. But, it ends there and does not spill over into a heady inspiration. I think I don’t have anyone in any celebrity lines either that inspire me.

People in general and their ideas and thoughts used to be really inspiring. Now there aren’t too many hitting me. There are people who evoke violent reactions though, pompous asses who believe that they are beyond everyone and they know everything there is and are demi gods to themselves. People who are so opinionated they refuse to acknowledge the fact that other people have opinions too. It is a pathetic thing to feel, this lack of inspiration.

Light and Airy

2009-08-04T08:13:00.000-07:00

There are times when your heart feels light and airy, like you have taken it out and dusted it off all cobwebs and it is fresh and clean. All new perspectives in place, rose tinted glasses adorned, it is a great feeling. All luggage left behind, just a nice little flight on a magic carpet. Slow and easy yet a fascinating adventure.

Somehow, I feel like that today all nice and light and smiley. Like there is room for more madness and that new adventures are knocking on the door. It is truly a wonderful feeling, there is a lightness of being and the soul is contented and peaceful, yet seeking for more. A balance of sorts, that smoothes out the creases in the mind.

I jump and leap and fly to a new high and it is something that is lingering, I just hope it lasts.

Thoughts and Wings

2009-08-03T11:21:00.001-07:00

Thoughts like little butterflies,
Flit across the restless mind,
Speeding off on flights to find,
More in the past or future,
To dwell upon and brood,
Others just visiting the bloom,
Of gardens planted yesterday,
Drinking from fountains today,
Darting off on driftwood in a stream,
Targeting views and opinions,
Like fishing with spears and arrows,
Striking the water and letting them swim,
Holding onto nothing just going with the flow,
Splashing with joy at the little waves below,
Tiny little thoughts all let loose,
To make their own journey,
To worlds of promise or doom.

To Adi, with love

2009-07-31T04:09:00.000-07:00

Days spent in squabbles,
Dinners and Lunches,
Laughter and hugs,
Pain and joy shared alike,
For so long now,
It seems to stretch.

Hours spent talking,
Eating and teas,
Walks and water walks,
Work and worklessness,
A gang of siblings,
Living in a bond.

You are leaving now,
For a better tomorrow,
I brought you here,
So long ago,
Now it hurts,
To watch you go.

A quest

2009-07-28T23:05:00.000-07:00

A white rose lands in water,
The waves tiny wisps,
Drifting on to the deep,
To a tomorrow,
Bathing in the rays of the sun,
Away from yesterday,
On the stalk,
Now without direction,
No set destination,
Just floating away,
To an unknown destiny,
An adventure calling,
Breaking free from ties,
Of the life gone past,
Blues and Grey,
The ocean sways,
Swells and ebbs,
I glide in the peace,
Off to the sun,
The rose and I,
We slide across the seas,
The moon and stars,
Spectators of the flight,
Into the freedom,
Of a growing calm,
Drift along by my side,
By the rose too,
Join us in a quest,
For the purest independence,
Don’t lose me,
For I am never gone…

Damn the Tongue!

2009-07-28T23:03:00.002-07:00

I talk nineteen to the dozen; I suffer from a verbal diarrhea of sorts. I have ideas, opinions, thoughts, anger, irritation, and impatience, all of it spilling over in a volley. That is probably why I don’t seem to make sense. I say so much, the value and worth of my words is lost in the volume. I speak fast and sometimes in annoyance, my voice shoots up to beyond tolerable levels. When my mind is racing away at speeds that are unimaginable, my tongue is still stuck with the previous thought and I have jumped again.

I think the fact that I say so much is somehow not a great thing anymore. I am not proud of the fact that I reinvent an idea as I am speaking, or that I keep making additions to thought as my mind travails through various paths.

But when does it strike you as a bad thing, something that never bothered me suddenly seems so irksome. An exasperatingly infuriating aspect to my personality, and not because I think so, but because the world or some people in the world perceive it to be so. A flaw which never even appeared to exist, something that never was a bother, seems like it has turned to a nasty storm.

Just one single time that I have had clarity in my speech. Wow! It feels like such a waste, everything in my head, my thoughts, my feelings, my perceptions, my ideas, all of them seem like such a bloody waste. I feel like a juvenile, I don’t know what.

Imagine, you grow up thinking you have a head screwed on right on your shoulders and pride yourself on the fact that you have an extremely strong personality etched out and you are one of the best turned out human beings you happen to know. This fact being reiterated by everyone in all the circles, personal and professional that you know. When you have been told repeatedly that you are by far the smartest person around and then suddenly there is this statement. That you made sense in just one conversation. Brilliant I must say! What a beautiful blow to my self esteem.

I’m flighty and fickle, my ideas are too many and I am unclear. I have a degree in communications and I have studied literature and science and pride myself on knowing a lot about a lot of things, but it’s time to rethink the ‘me’. Time to wonder what can be done about my obviously flawed personality.

All's a mess!

2009-07-28T23:03:00.001-07:00

It’s horrible, when you can’t do anything about patterns and happenings in life, when everything has to get completely messed up and everyone is irritated and angry for absolutely no fault of yours. There are things and people wreaking enough havoc in life, enough to drive you nuts and then, the audacity to turn unreasonable anger at me.

I have not been working my frustrations off in class, so I guess its building up intensely. I wish I could control every aspect of my life, I could engineer everything to a perfection suited to my liking. But the truth is cruel and I know that this is a never ending cycle.

Rule Breaker

2009-07-28T23:01:00.000-07:00

I am amazed at the number of plans and personal principles I have strayed away from in the last few months. I have not lived in so much denial ever. I never thought that I would have to adapt to circumstances that threatened personality changes or that I would be comfortable living life on not my own terms.

The fact that I have altered a pattern I would never change ever, is scary. It is bizarre that I am actually yielding and my thoughts are being influenced to such a degree. I have broken rules beyond pardon to myself and in scrutiny of my own self I am disappointed that I have let myself be. Time for serious introspection, if not amends.

Inbetween Worlds

2009-07-20T23:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I lay in bed, tossing and turning for a long time, and then I twisted into a fetal ball. I was shuddering and shivering for some strange reason. My body refused the rest it needed desperately. I am conserving emotion I tell myself. I try to think of the nonexistent monsters lurking under my bed. This was a prelude to all the nights to come. In returning insomnia spells, I lay staring up at the ceiling, then a little through the window at the pink sky.

My mind was wandering along passages strangely familiar in contorted alleys. I try to make sense of a falling darkness as it spills into the night wrapping everything in an impenetrable blackness. I feel cornered; stooping low I lie now in wait, in a land between sleep and wakefulness. Senses suspended, I slip finally into a restless slumber, relieved that I am now asleep.

I'll sail into his arms

2009-07-08T03:40:00.000-07:00

I’ll sail away into the sunset,
I’ll never come back here,
I’ll sail into seas and sands,
Of enticing faraway lands.
I’ll sing loudly to the waves,
Compete with the gulls,
Screaming in joyous glee,
I’ll hold onto the tide,
Drifting with the currents,
I’ll fly on the surf and jump,
I’ll dance with the dolphins,
Play with the whales and sharks,
I’ll tumble in the oceans depths,
I’ll walk on the sun’s lit path,
I’ll walk till I reach the kiss,
Of the sun and sea at the horizon,
I’ll laugh and frolic with the storms,
I’ll ride into islands of beautiful fronds,
I’ll blend into one with the blue blue ocean,
And sleep in his wide open arms…

Mocking!

2009-07-06T09:46:00.000-07:00

In this upside down world,
There is nothing normal,
Nothing real, everything is fake,
Facades put on for impressions.

Walk the streets for a while,
You will see sights that chill you,
Suck out your energy and your smiles,
Like the Dementor's kiss.

You rot away in your shell,
Spilling out your intellect,
Unnoticed for what you are,
Criticized for who you are.

I laugh and mock the stupid uns,
That walk and cry and are on the run,
From themselves and from their lives,
I only sit and watch the fun...

Fate's Cackling Laugh!

2009-07-02T04:55:00.000-07:00

Fate plays a cruel game I said,
No I don’t she retorted,
We argued and tussled,
Crazed and angry we fought,
Macbeth’s witches seemed lovely,
Compared to our evil laughs…

The tempest was at hand,
I had to get onto the Grand,
And fly far away to another land,
She followed suit to tell me,
I should get the darned boot,
From life and death and life’s soot.

Kill me, I urged her on,
She cackled and laughed again,
And I grimacing looked on…
Fate I thought was beautiful,
This monster looked so awful.
In her will to win a nonexistent fight…

I laughed aloud in telling her so,
The fight was on but not quite like,
The way she thought would be right,
I fight you off or at least I try,
So I can be my own puppeteer,
Fate, you can go find someone else…

I live by my own rules and decrees,
Make my choices, the wrong ones too,
You dare not pick on me afresh,
Or I will pass by unawares,
Ignoring and sliding past afar,
Away from your dance of destiny…

Wistful Longing...

2009-06-30T23:38:00.001-07:00

I lie here wrapped in a sheet,
By the window as the rain descends,
In clamoring torrents beating down,
Wondering why a darkening gloom,
Envelopes my soul and the room,
I think of times when the rain beckoned,
And I ran into her sinewy arms,
Jumping and dancing to the rhythm,
Of the loud pattering raindrops,
The breeze blends into one with the soul,
Awakening desires from another world,
Times when laughter mingled with thunder,
And the body was kissed by the gushing water,
The earth all wet, fragrant and green,
The sky all angry and grey with longing,
In love forever but never together,
They sway to the tunes of a love so intense,
I drift into reveries of them as I watch the rain,
She dances in answer to my cries,
I think of yesterdays and better tomorrows,
But now all I do is lie in wait,
For that fateful day to come and call,
When my soul can blend in again with the rain,
Easing off me this unending pain…

Dark Mists

2009-06-30T23:37:00.000-07:00

What is sorrow? What is pain?
When you are left all alone,
To feel all this in vain,
The anger you divulge into,
Only stirs storms of disdain…

In the still calmness of tonight,
I wonder how and I wonder why,
I am left so lonely and wistful,
Why I think of days gone by,
With the little hint of a sad sigh…

I know now why I am so alone,
Because of a certain knowledge known,
Of conversations stuck in space,
Of a timelessness only love creates,
Now I see the reason why…

Colours fade and fireflies die,
Beginnings end and ends begin,
Before you can even say goodbye,
A dark mist hangs hovering by,
Marring images from the eye…

What was then now is not,
What you want is not what you got,
But maybe it is well deserved, this pain,
Of not knowing how to feign,
Happiness when sad..

Smiles through unshed tears,
Of so many days gone by in fear,
So I droop and wilt,
Knowing I will never be,
The laughing, mad, little old me…

Facade

2009-06-30T23:36:00.000-07:00

A smile I muster,
With my heart cringing,
Surrendering to an angst,
How alone and lonely I am now,
Only I can concede to,
The pain grows on me,
The fits of anger become me,
I despise myself for things,
I have done and undone,
I spare no self pity or sympathy,
I deal with myself now,
With an alien hand,
I don’t feel or breathe,
Easily anymore,
Even tears refuse to yield,
Unnerved and despairing I squirm,
In an existence futile,
A pathetic excuse of a life,
Hysteria and mocking laughter lurk,
Just under the surface
Waiting to pounce,
At the slightest incite,
A tempestuous mix of emotions,
Pushing the borders of insanity,
I wait for a darkness that eludes,
And evades my beckoning calls,
To enter a hollow emptiness,
Where everything is numb,
Feeling and emotion alike,
I want to plummet down,
Into a deep slumber,
To stop it all at once,
This cycle of pain,
And the waves of fatigue,
Succumb to it all,
And perish at once…

The Rain and Our Teardrops

2009-06-15T03:37:00.000-07:00

Teardrops prick the eyes,
Refusing to break away,
From the walls binding them,
Holding them in softly,
Disappearing into a sea,
Swallowed by pride…

The anger and pain,
Subside in swells, ebbing,
A blend of the sorrow surfaces,
Eats into the soul, gnawing,
At wounds that sting on touch,
Yet the tears fight the battle…

They stop at the corners,
Not trickling down for want,
Of tears that roll down cheeks,
They mock at the pain,
Which threatens to peek,
Out of bounds and fixed realms…

I sit by the window,
Staring into the rain,
Our sister that dwelt in the sky,
The raindrops that once bathed us,
The clouds we stood under,
My empty side looks for you…

I remember the times we wept,
The days we sat reading,
As our tears mixed into the words,
And our words melted into pain,
As we discovered the ways of the world,
Sunshine and star dust a part of us…

Now as you weep far far away,
As you lie on your back,
With the tears rolling down,
To the back of your head,
That is filled with thoughts,
I am dragged back in time…

To an era that was ours,
And I feel a relief spreading,
It washes down a pain with you,
As you weep, you cry for me,
You drag my tears and yours,
Out of you, out of us…

I wish I could sit again by your side now,
Crying with you in an angst,
Our angst, only known to us,
With our misery merging into one,
Letting me cry with you,
As I learn how to weep again…

The Flip Side

2009-06-15T03:32:00.000-07:00

There are times when you want to dig your feet deep into the sand and not budge or move a single inch. When you want to rebel for the tiniest of things and refuse to listen to anyone else but your own little self. You want to be the only person dictating terms. When life is played by rules set on standards and principles you have set for your own self, when you have designed the game of your life and set it to your tune, it is impossible to accommodate an order by advice.

I have never paid an ounce of heed to advice even when it is given by people that actually matter and are giving it out of concern. I have not been a rebel in the actual sense of the word, but in introspection I never really listened to anyone. I just did as I pleased and if I had to keep the information to myself, lest it trouble the people around me, I did that too.

The idea was not ever to upset the feelings of anyone involved, it had nothing to do with that at all. It was just the inability to accept that I should do as I am told. It’s a desire to do exactly the opposite of what I am told to do. The desire to leave every single strand of anything holding me back, to break away and take off by myself on my own flight, into the adventurous unknowns.

To take liberation in its right spirit and to be free of all constraints. To do exactly as I please and to act and live like my life were my own. That democracy and free will are pathetic excuses for a life of adjusting mediocrity, and that I had to adjust to the norms set by an institution or a society just bothered me. I did manage to do just that, fight it all off and live on my terms.

And now the flip side…

When it is a factor or an enemy that fights you, you can fight back and rebel. I had absolute confidence in that aspect of my abilities and strengths. What I did not ever anticipate was the unknown enemy, I forgot to take life itself into consideration, that I was not on the same side of life, although I was never fighting it, Life was the factor I could not rebel, it was a continuum of time and space and there was no one I could tackle or rebel against, it was a dance that was pre ordained and the rhythms were set, I had to dance and move on to the next phase or I had to give up and lose the whole game of life altogether. I grew up a little wiser, knowing that I can fight off anyone, as long as it was an entity, but I was helpless when it came to life and the way she decided to lead me… So I stayed and danced, remembering not to fight off life’s decisions, my own ugly phantoms, the past, the future or death... I learned to accept and I learned to live…

The Deathly Killer

2009-06-02T05:24:00.000-07:00

When everyday life becomes a strife,
A constant struggle to survive,
When even little joys are snatched from you,
When everything is drained of its truth,
When shadows dance upon your death,
When evil laughs bring you doom,
When the head is dull with the ache of the heart,
And the soul is wasting with the loss of minds,
When you waste away till the dawn of the end,
When all above and all below is rendered empty,
When the calm of stillness freezes the soul,
When the desire to kill overpowers all,
Yielding to the moment of temptation,
To end it all, erase it all, finish it all…

Twists and Turns

2009-06-02T05:21:00.000-07:00

The twists and turns on one piece of land,
Darkness lit up with beams of light,
Long sips from glasses,
Laced with ice,
The thump of music in the throat,
The throb of the ear to rhythm,
Skirts twirling to the beat,
Gyrations moving with heat,
Tripping on highs and grooving to the grind,
Bodies growing wild,
With adrenaline pumping highs,
Flashes of techno and trance,
In a night club on a floor for dance…

Art

2009-05-21T22:23:00.000-07:00

Pain endurance is an art and i am the best artist around.

Links to my life

2009-05-19T05:11:00.000-07:00

I feel older, serious, stiff necked, I think my madness is shifting focus, the bigger things are taking up my time and attention and I am panicking. I wonder how well age catches up, things change perspective and colours change hues.

I was wondering what made me feel this way, disgruntled and unhappy, in a way incomplete even. It came to thinking of things I haven’t done in a really long time:

Torn up paper into tiny little bits and blown them out into the wind, just to watch them flit and flutter and fly with the breeze…
Danced nonstop, oblivious to the world and people watching me. Danced, till my legs hurt in their high heels and sweat dripped down my body, till my breath felt like it was wedged deep inside me and refused to surface.
Jumped in every little rain puddle and got drenched as the rain pelted down and hit every square inch of my body.
Laughed at silly jokes till tears rolled down my cheeks and I rolled on the floor holding my aching sides and trying to stop till I could no longer move with laughter cramps.
Played with little dew drops as they clung to leaves and surfaces and watched them glisten in the sunlight. Shaking up trees after the rains so all the raindrops would fall onto me.
Opened out my arms wide and spun around in full speed till I was dizzy and it felt like the whole world was reeling and spinning and I was the only stationary object around.
Lazed and did nothing for days on end, just reading, watching old cricket matches for the umpteenth time, watching all sorts of movies on HBO and Star Movies, dreaming on my swing as I watched the sky aimlessly.
Star gazed till dawn lying on my tank on the terrace as I followed Orion and Great Dipper on their journeys across the universe.
Gone swimming to far off resorts and farms and dipped and played in the water and swum around till the sun came down.
Climbed trees and trekked across impossible cliffs and mountains discovering beauty with every branch and every curve in the roads I made for myself.
Taken off alone into a park with a book and sat under the whispering trees in the breeze and reading as I fell in love with the characters and authors who filled up my imaginary worlds.
Tripped on air. Chased the rain, Jumped in sand pits, baked mud pies, and all these things that I wish I could do right away and instantly gratify my desire to reclaim a life that has passed swiftly by…

Morning Wafts

2009-05-13T23:04:00.001-07:00

The wafting morning coffee smells
Whispers and memories from beyond time,
Hanging in little clouds overhead,
Careless gestures flung into the blend,
Parting curtains filtering sunrays,
Stretches and tugs,
Snuggles and pillow fights,
Of morning awakenings in the light,
Sleep stupors slipping into the eyes,
Vague and vivid dreams fight to surface,
The mind all groggy opens slowly wide,
Lets in the sunshine,
Of yet another morning, warm or cold,
Rising to the hope of day…

Stuck!

2009-05-13T22:55:00.000-07:00

Thoughts wander to yesterdays and tomorrows and they linger on moments that light up like a flame from the past. Things, sounds, sights, feelings… Memories. Carved into niches of time. Distilled and double distilled and coloured by the mind and perception.

What happened to me will never be yours or anyone else’s; it is as unique to me as I am to the world. I feel and behave and think and remember only like I do. When the mind wanders, it plays games of hide and seek, light and darkness.

A simple rickshaw ride can bring a volley of moments and memories rushing into the mind. Every second we live we associate to the past and to the external present. The beauty of thoughts is that they blend and flow and melt. Into tiny crevices of your mind and the mind sees it all in parallel processes and universes.

I have lived every moment over several times. The moment is still and static. We change and move and alter. All there is is the one moment stuck in time and we live one moment in life over and over again, till the last breath. One single moment. Nothing before nothing beyond.

"The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock"

2009-05-13T05:33:00.000-07:00

"Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon a table"

I have said and lived these lines so many times over I don't even remember the first time i read them. Ironic, something that left such a lasting impression on me and i don't remember when i read it.

Alfred and his love, the way its portrayed is just absolutely brilliant.

I lived Eliot and loved every word of his Wasteland also. I heard him read it out loud in his voice and it left marks on my mind.

I have delved deep into it and breathed it and felt it and it has stayed with me.

Let us go then, you and I :)

The evening awaits...

Alzheimers

2009-05-05T00:17:00.001-07:00

I sit on a throne,
In a land of dreamers,
I sit restlessly still,

I forget how I felt
When I last wept,
How the tears rolled,
Washing down the pain,
In scattering torrents,
Rebelling attempts to ease…

I forget how I felt,
To be alone, lonely, tired,
Wanting to speak volumes,
But words failing me,
As I sat alone with my angst,
Its pain and sadness,
My only company…

I forget how I felt,
Brooding and dwelling,
On thoughts refusing to clear,
A sigh of deep regret,
For all that I had done,
Of thorns and nails strewn,
Across my life’s battlefield,

I forget how it felt,
I remember but I forget,
All of it an Alzheimer haze.

Bad Taste

2009-05-03T22:16:00.000-07:00

Dark eerie silences that rip though,
Gnawing deep into painful recesses,
Oblivious to everything and everyone,
meaningless, still in pursuit of questions,
Lingering, unanswered clawing ones,
Hanging in the stillness of the air,
Orphaned by the answers that refuse to surface,
Silences that are walls, blocking even light,
Blank mundane boring replies and walls,
mocking the very essence of love,
Impatience laughing at thought,
Jeering and bemused with life,
The twists and turns of winding passages,
Horrid empty echoes of forced normalcy,
Silences that kill, one cell at a time,
Devouring love and joy,
Leaving a bad taste in your soul…

Incomplete

2009-04-29T23:08:00.001-07:00

Every single time it happens,
A walk in, a smile, a look, a talk…
Enough to strike a chord in the heart,
Conversations that seem so true and pure,
Heart to hearts that keep the smiles up,
Time loses all meaning and slows down,
Screeching to a standstill of non coherence,
Equivocating the past and the future,
Seems like a divine connect of souls,
Sharing the wildest of dreams,
Craziest of thoughts and mad moments,
Watching the sunsets and dawns,
The moon and the beautiful joys of nature,
They sneak in and stay, never forever but,
Sharpen your wits and prepare your soul,
What comes in goes out, nothing stays on,
Taking with them a part of you,
Walking away with a piece of your soul,
Leaving you incomplete and hurt.

Time Bubbles

2009-04-29T21:19:00.000-07:00

Unrelenting to pressures,
From the past or the future,
Frozen in the present,
Counting down seconds…
Sun kissed and bathed in time,
Suspended in little hollows,
Interspersed with the universe,
Living in an encapsulated bubble…
Fleeting flawlessly in flight,
Laughing frivolously at life,
Devoid of darkness and cold,
Brimming with opportunities,
From another world…
Tempting the impossible,
Grazing boundaries and limits,
Lifting off from reality,
Into mirages and dreams,
Coloured by the lights of dawn,
Tapping to the rhythms of joy,
Pure, peerless pleasure,
Words slip into incoherence,
Playing mind games,
Everything spins off orbits,
And the world changes course,
The moment is all that exists,
Nothing before and nothing beyond,
Just that second stuck in time…

Brakes and Breaks

2009-04-12T22:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you want to break off into the unknown, away from the real world. Where everything seems to come in shapes and sizes that are not comprehendible and small little things confuse you. The mind plays games of what to see and what not to dwell on. Everything becomes a myriad mix of vague and vivid images that dart in the spaces of the soul. This is so amazingly mixed up and there is no pattern to the madness of the dreariness and futility you feel after.

After what? Now, that would be the most logical question that follows. But did madness ever adhere to logic or practicality? Technically no one is mad until stated to be so or studied and then confirmed as an insane individual. But we are always stuck on the verge. The thin line between madness and sanity, one small push and you will land up in la-la land.

After nothing. Because after you reach the stage of after there is nothing. Everything you have left behind just becomes a standstill image from your past. Images that are strung together and played in the head with a constant rewind and forward pattern, or images that are pushed so far into the back alleys of the mind and are forced to be left that way. Untouched and trying hard to forget and reach a state of no reminiscences. A state where no matter how hard you try you cannot remember the entirety because you have chosen to dole out the thoughts and images tied to that memory. A state of unconsciousness, even unconscious of the struggles we undergo to forget the past.

We often believe the truth to be a fact. But the truth never is a fact. Far from it actually. The truth is what we make each one of our selves believe what the fact is. We all perceive differently so truth with this one factor becomes relative to each and every individual. We build our personal truths based on our opinions and the way we chose to respond to a certain activity that occurred in our lifetime. The only real truth is that there is no one single truth. The truth is as varied as we are.

It’s a mind warp. This state of believing and non-believing. It is in a sense as unreal as reality. The more I see into reality, the more I see the opportunity of alternate reality. Of parallel universes and of real things being as unreal as they are real and vice versa. So the deal ia there is no absolutes, there is no single truth, there is no real reality, everything is a projection of time spinning away and the universe continuing to be balanced in an unexplainable equilibrium.

25 Things

2009-04-08T03:13:00.000-07:00

I have been reading a lot about these 25 things. I haven’t gotten down to penning mine down yet. But there is something more pressing at the moment now:

25 things to watch out for:

My tryst with the Kitchen
If you thought that dealing with incompetent people was the last straw, think again! Welcome to the land of living vegetables and non living utensils. Veggies don’t pay any heed to you or your deadlines, you have to bow down to them and go by their rules, or its game over! As for utensils, beware they are like ghosts from your past, they might just sense your fear and strike at it! Next thing you know you have all clanking and noises as they are strewn all over, not coz you dropped them but because they decided to fall, just to get back at you.

Do not be obsessive compulsive, every speck every oil stain will give you nightmares forever and also you will end up spending so much time washing up, you will never leave!

Oh! Don’t wring your hands after you wash them into the floor, or you will end up cleaning and mopping the floor.

Do not wipe your hands on either sides of your dress, over the years all your clothes that you wore to the kitchen will have a very obvious designer look to it, designed by your wiping.

I wash and wipe my hands every five minutes when I am in the kitchen, it does not help, and the next minute it goes all messy again. At the end of it you are left with grazed, skin peeling, burning, and rough hands as opposed to the nicely creamed and soft glowing ones you possessed before your tryst with the kitchen.

Do not over load a mixer ever! The results of such a mishap can be ghastly.

Deserts are less hot as compared to the kitchen and cooking by the fire. Dress accordingly, just an apron won’t help if you are accident prone, it will only scorch your skin faster!

Onions are very very pungent and will not only make your eyes water like crazy but you can tell if someone cut onions weeks ago by the amazingly horrendous odour it leaves on the hands no matter what goes on after that. Oh and they are supposed to be aphrodisiacs, and this is not something I learnt in the kitchen ;)

Lick your hands if you are making fruit salad. As in finish one round of cutting up one fruit and lick. Wash, cut, lick… Now that’s the mantra for yummy feelings between meal times and fruit times. Pop dates into your mouth as you cut them up and add them, lick. Lick your hands after you have shredded the chocolate into the mix, Lick up the ice cream after most of it has gone into the fruit concoction! You might add weight to the waist line, but what the heck! The kitchen drains one and saps one of their energy you see!

The enzymatic activity in vegetables is so fast, they race to go rotten! So beware of when you got them and where you put them or you will have to deal with the stench.
Water takes a looong time to start boiling and potatoes take even longer to be fully boiled.

Fix leaks on the taps you don’t want to be in a flooded kitchen.

Cover all traces and tracks of the existence of food, or rats, roaches and other pests may get to it or into your house because of the kind of food there.
Do not use your thumbnail to cut through anything, if you do be prepared for excruciating pain, I will feel like the nail is coming off.

And the reason there are only 15 things here is because I took a break from venturing into the kitchen! Phew!

Misconception

2009-04-08T00:01:00.000-07:00

We live in a world of a myriad web of misconceptions. They stem from rumors, gossip, hasty judgments the works. Everyday everything is misconstrued and blown if not out of proportion, blown beyond repair and recognition.

We hear and we decide and pass judgments about things that w have no control over. We base knowledge on other people’s perspectives and we see the world the way it is presented to us. Not the way it appears to us, but the way we see it, through the eyes and ears of others.
It is easy to say I know it all, I have been there and done that! But no one ever has done anything anyone else has ever done. You can only do and feel what you have chosen to do and feel. You can never step in reality into another’s shoes.

How can you trust the words of people over reality? People who apparently have no plausible connection to the reality. People who are nosey busy bodies and think it is in their interest and it is their business to keep a tab on the rest of mankind. What do they think they are doing? A favour? Yeah Right! It seems absurd. But that seems to be the way of the world.

We choose to make judgments based on opinions and perceptions, not based on original individual thought and action. We are so caught up in the web of desire to talk about other people, their clothes, their love interests, their choice of food, the way they behave, we even grudge people their happiness and their individuality.

What a tangled web we weave, when we first choose to deceive! We weave the web and we deceive, yes, but we do that to ourselves not to anyone else. We live n a world of self depreciation and pitiful gossip. Not because that is the way it is but because that’s the way we have chosen to make it.

Pain, the next level.

2009-04-07T11:09:00.000-07:00

Pain is interestingly refreshing. It adds perspective. Those fuzzy blurred lines in the horizon that come into focus, like readjusting the zoom of your camera lens. The complete sync in mind body and soul is something you can’t ignore to see. If your head hurts it could be very well because of all the crazy stress. If your heart aches it could be because of a love thing. If you are mind f***ed, it could be because of a pain in your body.

We are so connected in the 6 human basics, as I choose to call them. The intellect, the mind, the heart, the body, the soul and the spirit. The blend is so perfect, that a small imbalance in one can have a skyrocketing impact on the others. It is amazing how we work. How it huts and how the pain sinks in. Slowly eating into the very essence of being, of existence, of life.

It creeps in, going up a few notches every second and then turns the body mind and soul into a burning edifice. It starts from anywhere and ends at anything. It could begin in your toes and climb up or it could start in your brain and eat into your insides. The fact being, how will you fight it? How will you fight a pain? Was pain designed to be fought? You can escape it, yes, there are escape routes, pain killers and drugs to dullen it. But can you avoid it? Can you side step it or ignore it?

Try to endure pain, try to block it, try to ignore it, try to smother it, try to embrace it, no matter what you do, it gets the better of you. It drives you to suicide, to death, to craving for an end to it. It is the hopeless state, one of sheer helplessness. What can one do? One is a mere spectator in the dance led by life and directed by pain, choreographed with sheer excellence enough to leave you baffled at the ways it works.

It leaves you with scars of experience that are scorching in the least. Experience of something that is so personal that no one else beyond the boundaries of your skin and mind can ever fathom. Pain is something that you can never share. You cannot make a person understand or feel the pain you feel. The pain that leaves you shaken and wise to the ways of parallel realities. No one can ever take pain away from you. It is solely yours to do what you please.

In pain all you can do is live one moment at a time and breathe hoping that you will forget the last moment and the moments to come with more pain promised. Every waking hour or even in sleep you pine away for a peace you knew existed before the pain hit you and knocked you cold. Knocked you cold of feeling and sensation of happiness and peace, now so alien, you forget what it felt like.

After a while you learn to live with it, you endure it and you slowly embrace it. You become pregnant with pain. A mixed bag of feelings. It gets addictive. If you have a painless moment you miss it. It is like the smell of perfume or odours, after a while you don’t realize. It is still there, it is still persisting, but you have gotten so used to it, you don’t sense it. It becomes a part of you, like your appendix, or maybe like your lungs or your pancreas. You don’t realize it’s a part of you until it changes. Yes, even pain is subject to change. It is inter - convertible. One pain can be converted to another. From a mind ache to a body ache to a soul ache to a spirit ache, and finally the ache of death.

Yes, the ache of death and dying, the ache of leaving behind, even undressing the garments of life, love and pain. The sheer ache of not existing in mortal boundaries, not feeling. Then there is the ache of calmness.

From birth to death, pain teaches to live and to fight your own battles. To learn to live with it. To tolerate and exist. So the next time it hurts, embrace it, its pain teaching the lessons of life and death.

Till death removes pain...

Fear and its twisted ways!

2009-04-07T04:37:00.000-07:00

What is fear? Is it this gnawing emotional reaction to the threat of a looming danger or is it the threat of pain. Pain of the third kind, whatever! When is it you are afraid? When does your heart beat a little faster and you sweat? Is it normal to react to fear normally?

Enter a room with the knowledge that you are signing up for voluntary pain of whatever kind. Emotional, Mental, Physical, Spiritual… Everything around you slows down. Sluggishly almost. Every second takes longer if that’s possible. Everything around you is imprinted in your mind.

It’s not like the fear of the dark or of closed spaces or of marshmallows, these are phobias and the last one at that is called Althaiophobia. It is not like the fear of being mugged or being followed, it’s beyond all that. It’s the fear of what you are going to do with yourself after this fear. The fear of never to be erased scars. Scars that will remind you of the fear and scars that will hold you to the thoughts that have plagued you from the moment you gained the knowledge. The fear of knowing. Butterflies in the stomach because of anxiety, nervousness and stress. How much will you intellectualize? How much of strength will you give yourself?

Looking back it may all be over and done with. But what about the feelings that are tucked away? So scary to even be shared. Its crazy, its killing. It’s the fear of knowing the unknown and the undeserved. The fear of a punishment for sins that you might have unknowingly committed. What will you do with this fear?

There is no end to it. It is a swirling vortex of unknowns. There is no turning back or moving forward. There is only the one choice of staying put and watching how this fear will twist and turn and contort and mutate to something else, prettier or scarier, who’s to tell? Life may move on beyond the fear but you will always get a glimpse of it around every street corner, in every mirror, in every reflection. Never to be released from the clutches of the greater fear! The fear of fear itself!

And the best part is no one will ever know…

Grey

2009-02-27T00:55:00.000-08:00

A blotch of grease,
A sheet of rain,
Graymalkin, the cat…
The river at night,
The sky at dawn,
Greygoose, the vodka…
Steely dull metal,
Shadows of the dark,
Grey cells of intellect…
The winter frost,
The graphite rods,
Gray Lady, New York Times…
The deep eyes,
The dark forests.
Alien Humanoid Grey’s…
Dull needle tips,
Electronic microchips,
Elves and Goblins dressed in grey…
Rocks and snow capped mountains,
Dust and ashes,
A greyhound’s howl…
Pencil squiggles on paper white,
Sandy beaches in the evening light,
Grey’s Anatomy, Star World’s right…
Blacks and Whites,
A blended blur,
Now all grey, for lack of colour!

Thoughts to pen, dedicated to another...

2008-12-14T22:41:00.001-08:00

The power of isolation compels,
Complete dissociation from another,
An existence of separate individuality,
Cut off and removed from ties,
No hand rises to hurt,
No finger points out to blame,
The power of the soul dwells only within…
You bolt up and guard the insides,
You hold yourself close,
Scared to reveal to the world,
The amazing turmoil of your mind,
The world within watches,
A mere spectator of reality,
Laughing mockingly,
At what seems to be the truth,
A passionate flame burns,
Incessantly within you,
You let it elevate you,
Away from the others…
Not by fear but by choice.
Playing games in your own mind,
In a world that only you desire,
In a world that only you deserve…

Transitory Reflections

2008-12-13T22:16:00.001-08:00

You know, in this world, time flits past so soon that you rarely get the time to pause and breathe. You get stuck in the race and you forget all the milestones you passed and the things you left behind. You run looking hard ahead, you focus only on the destination, but the journey is forgotten, the roads are left behind, mere images to serve as fragments of memories from the past.

Then one day, suddenly you end up reminiscing, because of someone or something around you that made a memory distinctly livid, that made the past come alive and dance in front of you. That has happened more often than once. When all you can think of is how it used to be.

Childhood is an interesting thing. It is that time of life when you are unguarded, when you can be yourself and say everything you want to without being afraid of judgmental people hovering around you who are waiting to character assassinate you and your existence.

Childhood images of you stand alive in the hearts of those that are dear. My uncle still remembers the first sight he had of me as i came rocketing down a slope on my friend's cycle headed straight to is car and braked just in time. The excitement, the mad rush of adrenaline, the laughs. I still remember it too. I also remember the shocking pink frilly frock i had on. I was a terror even then, no wonder my uncle remembers it so clearly. A shocking pink thunderbolt of lightning on a cycle headed straight at your car, when you are actually planning to propose a marriage to someone you love and this thunderbolt actually happens to be a relative that too a closely related one. Someone in all probability who is going to be a part of the new life you are beginning. Love you Roy Mama ;)

So coming back to childhood and cycles and bike rides... When you relive these things all of a sudden out of the blue, you realize how old you have grown. I just did all the mad child like antics on Saturday and i feel sooo good.

Went to a birthday party at ma's friends place. Her girls are 13 and 9 and they are a riot, a little crazy but a riot. I started with sliding down the banisters and the jumping 7 stairs at a go from landing to landing. Then went on to play aeroplane hopscotch on the road with the vehicles dodging us. Then it was around ten when we took the cycle out. Her Miss India Lavender Cycle. There were two other kids as well. So i took the cycle and i took off. The moon was at its gibbous best. There was a halo of clouds around it, a thin wisp but a pretty one, the stars peeking out, blinking and twinkling... Like holding a conversation, as if they have some secrets to whisper into your ears. The cycle ride was the best of the lot, in the moonlight, taking the kids on doubles. Sweeping down a slope, walking it up again. It was ten thirty when ma finally managed to tear me away from the cycle.

Everyone there thought i was in school and i am not wondering why. I was told i will never be forgotten. I had a ball. Went home, sat on the tank on the terrace, it was freezing cold and i was in my shorts and tee. The moon overhead, the stars laughing, the lights of the city blinking in the darkness, the wind rustling in the trees, ticking, teasing. I sat wrapped in the moment, of sheer joy, of childhood thoughts, of the beauty of the night, of the soothing sounds of the wind, of another world so far, yet so near...

Fuzzy

2008-12-09T21:03:00.000-08:00

Sometimes in the evening,
A dewy mist settles,
On the rooftops,
Below the clouds,
Along the skyline…
A wispy wind blows and tugs,
The mist and the fog,
Fuzzes the light,
From the dull shiny lamp posts,
A hand clutches at the coat collar,
Drawing the warmth close,
The heels click on the sidewalk,
The shadow follows,
Fast paced footsteps,
Fight the cold, Goosebumps…
Eyes dart and thoughts flow,
A gloomy sigh escapes,
Strength is drawn from within,
A smile is forced onto the lips,
A sudden warmth spreads through,
A lift of the head and a toss,
The moon smiles down,
The lights wink in hide and seek,
As she walks the lonely city street,
In the light of the nights darkness,
Lonely, but not alone…

Mixed

2008-11-20T04:16:00.000-08:00

A mixed bag of madness,
Everyone and everything obscure…
A dull feeling of existence,
An angst of sorts…

A mystical feeling of elation,
Rising above the rest,
An incomplete damp,
Eating into the euphoria…

Sly, scheming demons,
Pure, beautiful angels,
Lurk and co exist,
In a land of my own doom…

I pick and choose;
Conjure up moods,
To last a fleeting moment,
And a sliver of thoughts…

Insanity contorted,
Delight misjudged,
Life sailing on,
Amidst Laughter and Tears…

Shape Shifters

2008-11-18T03:29:00.000-08:00

Shape shifters, sift swiftly past,
Small and humble,
Fluffy and inviting,
Painting vivid pictures,
On an ever changing easel,
Castles in the air,
Built from nonexistent bricks,
A hide and seek of sorts,
Smiling, laughing, moonlit,
A radiance so divine,
Untouched, peerless, calm…
A sea of clouds…
Dewy, white, clean,
Like life at its best,
Uncertain, yet beautiful.

Ruffles

2008-11-13T21:57:00.000-08:00

The wind ruffles, and an ivy curtain moves,
Water gushes down in musical notes,
Anklets tinkle as pretty feet dance on the rocks,
The green folds caress curves,
The trails follow every tiny twist,
Every single turn,
Coy and Quiet, dark and blue,
Sad and wistful, restless and laughing,
Colour of moods painting pretty pictures…
The sky gazes down longingly,
Pregnant with desire,
As the earth dances,
To the sheer joy of celebration…

Superwoman ME!

2008-10-29T02:06:00.000-07:00

There are times in your life when everything around you seems to be falling apart. Well with me it’s just that this happens a lot more frequently, like on an everyday basis. Take yesterday for instance, it promised to be a chaotic mad rush day and was all that and more. The fun part was that I had to work late and then go meet a couple of friends who live far far away. Since I live in the back of beyond and there is some sort of distance that needs to be traversed between areas and of course taking into consideration Bangalore Rains and Traffic, I had quite a joy ride. Halfway home, on the main Basvangudi road, just after the World Culture turning, my car chooses to stop, bang on the middle of the road. It had run out of Fuel and I knew this could happen, in a year and a half of driving around in my red Ferrari, this had never happened. This time it did and the car spurred and sputtered as I tried to give it some life.

I am on the middle of a busy road, stuck in my car and it refused to start. So, I very promptly got off and managed to push it to the side of the road. My muscle power amazed me. I managed to push a car sideways for about 400 mts. With no help. WOW. I pushed it alright and locked it also. Now, I forgot that my money was in the car and there was absolutely no currency in my wallet. My phone on the other hand was deactivated, because I was switching from a pre paid to a post paid, which entitled airtel to deactivate my old sim and not activate the new one. SO here I was stuck with a car stranded in the middle of a road which had no parking and it happened to be bang in front of the bloody Basvangudi Police Station, just a few yards away from the bus stop.

I gathered enough courage to leave my poor red gaddi ji stranded with no company on a no parking zone and I started walking. The best part was it was raining and I was in cream trousers and so I nicely got my ironed and laundered cream trousers dirty and still didn’t manage to get a bloody phone booth. I walked and walked and walked till my granny’s friend’s place which was in the radius of a kilometer or so and called for help!!! Then had a nice dinner there and was petted by aunty, finished that and ran back to check on how my gaddi was doing and if it was there at all in the first place. Enough exercise I say!

All I will say is that petrol came to me in a bottle, my gaddi was fed, ma was pacified without too much drama and I got home without any bruises or scratches and without having to run around policemen and stations!!! Sigh what a day!!!

2008-10-29T00:30:00.000-07:00

I walked on and on…
Into the open arms of the ocean,
Unaware of my destination,
Blinded by a sickening grief…
She welcomed me into her,
Her violent waves,
Tearing me away from the shore.

I drifted away…
Lost in a churning blackness,
Unable to come to terms with reality,
Aghast at the heights of horror…
Sinking into a swirling vortex,
Of unending calm,
Her arms, my only comfort.

Home at last,
I sank into her abysmal depths…
At peace now I slept,
For all eternity.
Away from harsh reality…
Serene in the abyss,
Of her nurturing womb.

Pain Killers

2008-10-13T23:12:00.000-07:00

Does Love understand?
Or does it condemn?
Does faith prevail?
Or does it die out?
Does familiarity breed contempt?
Does anger solve troubles?
Do eyes smile with laughter?
Do words find meaning only in colour?
Does darkness not wipe out the light?
Does depression always end in pain?
Or shall I get some pain killers?

Illusions

2008-10-13T23:11:00.000-07:00

As the seconds tick by,
A weary heart smiles,
Knowing the end,
Is now not so distant.
The joy of knowledge,
Death brings, in his stride…
The comfort of non existence,
Beckons…
To slowly drift,
Into the arms of death…
To be delivered to an end,
Not just from here,
But all the worlds…
Heaven, Hell, Earth,
Or otherwise,
What is the difference?
Where is it?
What is the horizon?
Does it exist?
An illusion is all it is…
Life and death,
Tears and Laughter,
Joy and sorrow,
Knowledge and Ignorance,
Darkness and Light,
All but illusions,
Of the unreal mind…

Love and Gossamer

2008-10-13T23:08:00.000-07:00

I stood on the edge of a stream,
Gazing into her serene depths…
Enticed and in a spell I walked,
Along her shores I found,
Many a pebble bright,
Lost in worlds unknown…
Wandering through valleys
She led me on…
To a land of the most beautiful kind
Indescribable in its ardor it stood…
Peaceful, calm and serene…
As I walked nearer, everything smiled…
The tinkling of happiness
Filled the air...
So many sights to behold,
So much to hear and breathe
So much to soak in…
As I stood there bathed in his love,
flying with my gossamer wings,
He softly tiptoed up
To hold me in an embrace,
That would last me an eternity…

Empty Echoes

2008-10-13T23:06:00.000-07:00

An echoing emptiness,
Loneliness in waves tiring the soul,
Losing ground,
Sinking into unknown depths
A head spinning wildly
In the chaos of the outer world
Seeking comfort, refuge…
Finding anger, disgust…
Craving for a breath,
Being ignored, pathetically….
Darkening worlds,
Stuck in a lonely world..
Helpless and aching…
Slowly slipping
Into an endless void of insanity…..

Little drops of blood

2008-10-13T23:04:00.000-07:00

A drop of my blood,
Falls into the ocean,
A million hungry sharks hover…
To bite into the meat.
But where are the ones
That bit into the meat of my soul?
Slowly I am on the road to perdition…
I smile as I walk the last mile,
A green ogre waits for the kill,
For the sharks to tear me apart,
It amuses me, this need for power,
This hungry, menacing desire,
The desire of a man to destroy,
The need to break even…
For what? Why? How?

My PVR Jinx

2008-09-05T11:47:00.000-07:00

The need or desperation to write is such that i have to sit at a go and pour my heart out. Even if it means that it is at midnight and sitting in a room that seems to be infested with red ants that crawl from outside the balcony, through the gap under my door, slowly the line building and climbing up my computer table and then the wall and finally the window that i sleep next to, creeping behind the curtains. But i have to write even if it means from a table with ants crawling around the keyboard and on it and with no idea where i will sleep because this room is now scary to even rest in. A pain gnaws into me and that is probably whats egging me to write.

Oh i also saw The dark night twice a couple of weeks ago at PVR. I was comfortably late so i managed to miss ten minutes of the movie. Hence as i had to atone for this incongruous sin I had to go back and watch it the next day. Then began the beginning of this crazy mad myre...

When this week started, i thought it will be my normal not so eventful week, just the monotonous, mechanized office, yoga, work or the office, tuition and work. It was far from that.

I strayed away completely from what i was planning to talk about, yes my PVR jinx. On Tuesday, the boys called me out for lunch to forum. By boys i mean Prashanth and Abu. They asked me to meet them at 11 but i landed there at 12 30 and they had to go watch a movie at 12 45 so they were slightly cheesed off coz i had stuck to my standard turning up late thanks to the work that keeps me on my toes constantly. So i end up there and they drag me into a movie. I am carrying my bag and in it lies my camera and in the case lie batteries. This movie thing happened very unexpectedly. I got an exchange of the two tickets these goons had bought with three and i stepped in. Then the whole being frisked business happened and i had to give in my batteries to the girl there. I went in and watched mumbai meri jaan and came out feeling really good coz it was a very well made film. I stepped out smartly and rushed back to work just being slightly strayed by my wandering brother's appearance at Forum. Then we managed to get out of there and i managed to get back to work. I reached office and realised that i had left the batteries at the theater and i had way too much to be done to get back the same day. So, on Thursday i set out again to get the batteries. I spent a good hour waiting and checking as they traced it for me. Abu was my constant source of support through the ordeal and my tolerance levels were maintained thanks to him. From there i got back fortunately a little less careless hopefully.
And i thought i was done with the madness of roaming the PVR cinemas. No not happening! It was destined that i end up again at PVR on Friday to buy tickets for Rock on, after the whole darn process of finding parking and all that stuff, i went to the freakin PVR Cinemas again and did not get tickets for the ten o clock show as it was sold out! Thankfully the PVR jinx was broken. i didn't have to come back for the movie at ten.
But it didn't end there with the jinx, i went to i-nox for the tickets and there was only the 7 o clock show so i guessed all these seven and half Saturn things are just bull oz once you are jinxed you are jinxed in more ways than one.

The Ring of Joy, or should i say stud!

2008-09-03T20:07:00.000-07:00

A change was desired… It was a very adamant desire that refused to listen to logic or reason. The change was wanted and I had to get it. ‘Act on Impulse’ was the message transmitted across various neurons in my brain and that was exactly what I did, I acted on the impulse.

A trip to the beautician for a gunshot! A gunshot that would probably disfigure my nose forever. But who cared! I wanted to pierce my nose and I wanted to do it because of the very reason that I am needle phobic. Extremely. To acknowledge my new job, I got my ears pierced with a two week gap between each ear because I didn’t have the strength to go through with both ears at once. So one ear happened before I joined work and the other two weeks later. This is probably why I have chosen to wear a ring in one year and a stud in the other. Oh by the way I already had earrings but I wanted the next level also to be pierced.

Coming to my nose stud! I went to Aunty with Pallavi and I sat all prim and pert in the chair as stiff as the stiffest I could ever be. Ready for the needle to pierce through layers of my skin. It was a moment stuck in space and the thunderclap of the gun at work was resounding. The pain was very endurable. I walked out confidently with aunty telling me I’m a strong girl for not having felt queasy or weak.

As I walked I didn’t realize that the big blue stud not only looked funny but also was sticking out and the back stopper thingy had fallen off. I got back to the office and got a few extremely smart ass comments about my nose. Pavi lost her mind and yelled at me for having ruined my cute little nose and went ballistic about it. She just refused to believe that it could be remotely nice.

I could not stop laughing and I realized that there was something wrong. The stud was not entirely in place, the back stopper thing had fallen off and it had not even pierced through all the layers of skin so it was a disaster. I took off the stud and went to her again and she said a jeweler would do a better job coz all he had to do was just pierce it through entirely.

I was waiting for the one jeweler in the whole locality who would do the job and do it well, but his store was locked up and I was getting late for a movie so I left. Since it is not in my nature to give up easily, I turned up again after the film and he was open.

I left Pallavi in the car and walked in and sat down to the ordeal I had chosen to put myself through. He lifted this large fat iron needle with a hook and asked me not to look. I wanted it on my right as against the left convention so he marked another spot coz the previous one was not placed properly and I picked out a diamond stud for the cause. I shuddered at the thought of that big a needle being forced into my nose, and by the time I could say a word, it was in through the layers and I felt like these people with rods through the skin, the ones that have prayed for something and do this for God. It really was a fat rod. He screwed in the stud in place and I was done! I was in super pain. It hurt like crazy and my whole right side was numb with pain. I went back and Pallavi really liked it.

Later, some people didn’t even notice it and it took a while for my mom to see it. The final verdict from Ma was that I look like an adiwasi and I look five years older than I actually am. Granny was aghast. And I like it!
The pain was well worth it and its paining still, but I love it and now I know I can muster enough courage to actually sit thru it and now I don’t fear fat needles at least when they are puncturing my skin. So now, I ended up with a swollen nose and pain on my right side and a hurting right hand thanks to the rude doctor who said that my constant chatter irritated him and poked me hard with the Tetanus shot, I still think it was well worth all the trouble, even ma and granny yelling at me was worth it! So thanks to it all, I am a better human being, my endurance levels are higher and I am prettier! Lol! So check me out with my nose pin!

I guess that is what matters ultimately, that I like it! And now I am not alone anymore, my diamond laughs and flashes at me from my nose and I feel the flashes smile with me! So until next time, I’ll flash a laugh! ;)

Life as I see it and as it sees me…

2008-09-03T19:56:00.000-07:00

The permanent temptation in life is to confuse dreams with reality; the permanent defeat in life comes when dreams are surrendered to reality…

What defines a human, the person he or she is? Is it their past, is it their work, their family, their relationships, their present or their future? Maybe it is an encapsulation of it all. But I am defined by my dreams, more than anything else. I believe that I live in a utopian world that is peerless and pure… So what if that is the biggest lie I live in? It gives me the strength to live and I guess bottom-line that is what you need in this world… Strength and Courage…

This for not being yourself but for being fake and changing avatars every day with everyone, because the real world does not really appreciate simple, straightforward, sincere - honesty of speech, thought and action. This is a lesson I have learnt and multiple times at that, so here is when my alternate reality comes into the picture, the world of the mind, body and soul, all in conjunction, building together multiple worlds of reality so pure, it can only exist out of bounds of everything else and everyone else.

If sorrow is something you have to deal with, or if it is a mental agony, switch off from the unreality of the real world and bind yourself to the reality of the worlds that you have created.

Philosophy apart and the Freudian theories of Eid, Ego and Super ego apart, although I do think at this phase of life that I lead I am more of the Eid and the child than anything else… I am a human, a part of this world of its good and it’s bad… Like black on one hand and white in the other but grey otherwise… The blend of darkness and light of blackness and white.

5 minutes, is what I get to recount a lifetime of me… And I know I won’t even be done with five seconds of it here, but all I can promise is an insight into the mind of a fellow human being, however weird.

The naughty mischievous quicksilver that I was, floating away from one thing to another, from one world to another, a zillion hobbies and interests everything that has captured my fleeting attention has gotten a fair amount of my time and energies vested in it. Falling in love with a new interest every week, from jigsaws to clay modeling to singing, tried it all. The only ones that have remained endearing and faithful and have grown as my strengths are my writing, yoga and dancing. All else has taken a backseat, but nothing is permanent but for change so I guess a second revisit to all my lost loves will happen cyclically, as to my fancy.

Education was something I took to very earnestly and easily like everything else and I am surprised it kept my attention for all of the 22 years I went through it. Surprisingly enough boredom did not set in as easily and I actually managed to be the geeky fairly well performing student in spite of the various trials and tribulations I put my mother through. Even to this day I am told I managed to do well because I picked out the ones I was good at and left the others for the rest. According to me that was the smartest move I ever made.

Three degrees and a hosh posh of all small courses and other classes, mirroring my confusion and the desire to try everything I had an interest for… Work wise again, the desire for multitudes persevered and so I have to work even now on my voice over’s, my anchoring, my writing, my dance, my theater and my events and of course my communication. The deal is, if you are good at something why not work on it? I will not talk about future dreams and hopes because that will be putting a boundary to life and what it shapes up to be, but I will say watch out for a voice that speaks to you from far away in the future, that might faintly resemble mine and recapture moments spent and memories cherished of a life that was shared even but if briefly.

I live in a world of mixed colours and emotions and I love every second of it, the good or the bad, is enriching and ethereal, like Gaea the soul of the earth multiple worlds packaged into just one small package – Me. I have so much more to say as usual, and I know I am the most vocal of them all and this is not by far the last you will hear from me, but it was a fair chance to be able to share snippets of a life beyond the walls of life and existence.

If you ever see a book by Shreya Krishnan on the stands, pick it up and read it, coz one thing it will be is a mixed bag of everything just like the person that wrote it

Alternate Reality

2007-10-26T11:36:00.001-07:00

In a drunken stupor,
I gaze out of a secret window…
Out into the hazy world…
Where reality seems absurd.
Dreamy states exist here,
In the walls of my mind
Expanding spaces…
Widened horizons…
Greet me in a soothing dawn
That of realization
One window on each wall
One wall on each side.
One real world
Many made up…
The hangover of reality fades
Into freshness of alternate worlds
Dreaming, wishing and breaking free…
From the rigid realms of reality…

Abyss

2007-10-26T11:35:00.001-07:00

Spectrum

2007-10-26T11:34:00.000-07:00

A delightful spectrum,
Stretched across the sky,
So vibrantly sensuous,
So colourfully inviting,
I was drawn to it…
Born to the rain and sun,
Of their frenzied lovemaking,
Glistening lazily in all its ardour,
Bridging the earth and sky…

I ran to it, to grasp it…
Hoping to be enveloped…
In its fulfilling embrace,
As I neared, it smiled…
I reached out to touch and hold,
But my hand went through…
So I sat down to gaze…
At his majestic aura,
All an illusion…
And he faded away to emptiness…

Lurk

2007-10-26T11:32:00.000-07:00

Strangers lurk in dark corners,
Waiting and watching…
For a chance to strike,
At the wounds they sense…
To dig daggers… deep…
To slowly bleed me to death,
Sucking out strands of thought…
Drawing out memories…Memories…
Being replaced, erased,
A horrendous emptiness now…
Shadows of anger, pain, fear,
Shaping the wonder of existence…
A futile one…
Voids, blank walls, lifeless, still…
Strangers claiming to be friends,
Friends not there anymore,
The soul not complete anymore,
Life not worth living anymore.

Empty

2007-10-26T11:18:00.000-07:00

Silent laughter…
Almost empty, ringing…
A smile that stops
At the lips…
Fading…Watery
Never to reach the eyes…
Dying…. Painful…
Bitter laughter,
Worse than furious tears…
Hollow, never surfacing…Screaming out quietly.
Failing attempts…
To fake real laughter.
To kiss joy goodbye,
To forget everything but pain.
Sore wounds,
Being scarred again…
To watch death
Taking its toll
On a dying soul…
Trying to live...