Wistful Longing...

I lie here wrapped in a sheet,
By the window as the rain descends,
In clamoring torrents beating down,
Wondering why a darkening gloom,
Envelopes my soul and the room,
I think of times when the rain beckoned,
And I ran into her sinewy arms,
Jumping and dancing to the rhythm,
Of the loud pattering raindrops,
The breeze blends into one with the soul,
Awakening desires from another world,
Times when laughter mingled with thunder,
And the body was kissed by the gushing water,
The earth all wet, fragrant and green,
The sky all angry and grey with longing,
In love forever but never together,
They sway to the tunes of a love so intense,
I drift into reveries of them as I watch the rain,
She dances in answer to my cries,
I think of yesterdays and better tomorrows,
But now all I do is lie in wait,
For that fateful day to come and call,
When my soul can blend in again with the rain,
Easing off me this unending pain…

Dark Mists

What is sorrow? What is pain?
When you are left all alone,
To feel all this in vain,
The anger you divulge into,
Only stirs storms of disdain…

In the still calmness of tonight,
I wonder how and I wonder why,
I am left so lonely and wistful,
Why I think of days gone by,
With the little hint of a sad sigh…

I know now why I am so alone,
Because of a certain knowledge known,
Of conversations stuck in space,
Of a timelessness only love creates,
Now I see the reason why…

Colours fade and fireflies die,
Beginnings end and ends begin,
Before you can even say goodbye,
A dark mist hangs hovering by,
Marring images from the eye…

What was then now is not,
What you want is not what you got,
But maybe it is well deserved, this pain,
Of not knowing how to feign,
Happiness when sad..

Smiles through unshed tears,
Of so many days gone by in fear,
So I droop and wilt,
Knowing I will never be,
The laughing, mad, little old me…

Facade

A smile I muster,
With my heart cringing,
Surrendering to an angst,
How alone and lonely I am now,
Only I can concede to,
The pain grows on me,
The fits of anger become me,
I despise myself for things,
I have done and undone,
I spare no self pity or sympathy,
I deal with myself now,
With an alien hand,
I don’t feel or breathe,
Easily anymore,
Even tears refuse to yield,
Unnerved and despairing I squirm,
In an existence futile,
A pathetic excuse of a life,
Hysteria and mocking laughter lurk,
Just under the surface
Waiting to pounce,
At the slightest incite,
A tempestuous mix of emotions,
Pushing the borders of insanity,
I wait for a darkness that eludes,
And evades my beckoning calls,
To enter a hollow emptiness,
Where everything is numb,
Feeling and emotion alike,
I want to plummet down,
Into a deep slumber,
To stop it all at once,
This cycle of pain,
And the waves of fatigue,
Succumb to it all,
And perish at once…

The Rain and Our Teardrops

Teardrops prick the eyes,
Refusing to break away,
From the walls binding them,
Holding them in softly,
Disappearing into a sea,
Swallowed by pride…

The anger and pain,
Subside in swells, ebbing,
A blend of the sorrow surfaces,
Eats into the soul, gnawing,
At wounds that sting on touch,
Yet the tears fight the battle…

They stop at the corners,
Not trickling down for want,
Of tears that roll down cheeks,
They mock at the pain,
Which threatens to peek,
Out of bounds and fixed realms…

I sit by the window,
Staring into the rain,
Our sister that dwelt in the sky,
The raindrops that once bathed us,
The clouds we stood under,
My empty side looks for you…

I remember the times we wept,
The days we sat reading,
As our tears mixed into the words,
And our words melted into pain,
As we discovered the ways of the world,
Sunshine and star dust a part of us…

Now as you weep far far away,
As you lie on your back,
With the tears rolling down,
To the back of your head,
That is filled with thoughts,
I am dragged back in time…

To an era that was ours,
And I feel a relief spreading,
It washes down a pain with you,
As you weep, you cry for me,
You drag my tears and yours,
Out of you, out of us…

I wish I could sit again by your side now,
Crying with you in an angst,
Our angst, only known to us,
With our misery merging into one,
Letting me cry with you,
As I learn how to weep again…

The Flip Side

There are times when you want to dig your feet deep into the sand and not budge or move a single inch. When you want to rebel for the tiniest of things and refuse to listen to anyone else but your own little self. You want to be the only person dictating terms. When life is played by rules set on standards and principles you have set for your own self, when you have designed the game of your life and set it to your tune, it is impossible to accommodate an order by advice.

I have never paid an ounce of heed to advice even when it is given by people that actually matter and are giving it out of concern. I have not been a rebel in the actual sense of the word, but in introspection I never really listened to anyone. I just did as I pleased and if I had to keep the information to myself, lest it trouble the people around me, I did that too.

The idea was not ever to upset the feelings of anyone involved, it had nothing to do with that at all. It was just the inability to accept that I should do as I am told. It’s a desire to do exactly the opposite of what I am told to do. The desire to leave every single strand of anything holding me back, to break away and take off by myself on my own flight, into the adventurous unknowns.

To take liberation in its right spirit and to be free of all constraints. To do exactly as I please and to act and live like my life were my own. That democracy and free will are pathetic excuses for a life of adjusting mediocrity, and that I had to adjust to the norms set by an institution or a society just bothered me. I did manage to do just that, fight it all off and live on my terms.

And now the flip side…

When it is a factor or an enemy that fights you, you can fight back and rebel. I had absolute confidence in that aspect of my abilities and strengths. What I did not ever anticipate was the unknown enemy, I forgot to take life itself into consideration, that I was not on the same side of life, although I was never fighting it, Life was the factor I could not rebel, it was a continuum of time and space and there was no one I could tackle or rebel against, it was a dance that was pre ordained and the rhythms were set, I had to dance and move on to the next phase or I had to give up and lose the whole game of life altogether. I grew up a little wiser, knowing that I can fight off anyone, as long as it was an entity, but I was helpless when it came to life and the way she decided to lead me… So I stayed and danced, remembering not to fight off life’s decisions, my own ugly phantoms, the past, the future or death... I learned to accept and I learned to live…

The Deathly Killer

When everyday life becomes a strife,
A constant struggle to survive,
When even little joys are snatched from you,
When everything is drained of its truth,
When shadows dance upon your death,
When evil laughs bring you doom,
When the head is dull with the ache of the heart,
And the soul is wasting with the loss of minds,
When you waste away till the dawn of the end,
When all above and all below is rendered empty,
When the calm of stillness freezes the soul,
When the desire to kill overpowers all,
Yielding to the moment of temptation,
To end it all, erase it all, finish it all…

Twists and Turns

The twists and turns on one piece of land,
Darkness lit up with beams of light,
Long sips from glasses,
Laced with ice,
The thump of music in the throat,
The throb of the ear to rhythm,
Skirts twirling to the beat,
Gyrations moving with heat,
Tripping on highs and grooving to the grind,
Bodies growing wild,
With adrenaline pumping highs,
Flashes of techno and trance,
In a night club on a floor for dance…

Art

Pain endurance is an art and i am the best artist around.

Links to my life

I feel older, serious, stiff necked, I think my madness is shifting focus, the bigger things are taking up my time and attention and I am panicking. I wonder how well age catches up, things change perspective and colours change hues.

I was wondering what made me feel this way, disgruntled and unhappy, in a way incomplete even. It came to thinking of things I haven’t done in a really long time:

Torn up paper into tiny little bits and blown them out into the wind, just to watch them flit and flutter and fly with the breeze…
Danced nonstop, oblivious to the world and people watching me. Danced, till my legs hurt in their high heels and sweat dripped down my body, till my breath felt like it was wedged deep inside me and refused to surface.
Jumped in every little rain puddle and got drenched as the rain pelted down and hit every square inch of my body.
Laughed at silly jokes till tears rolled down my cheeks and I rolled on the floor holding my aching sides and trying to stop till I could no longer move with laughter cramps.
Played with little dew drops as they clung to leaves and surfaces and watched them glisten in the sunlight. Shaking up trees after the rains so all the raindrops would fall onto me.
Opened out my arms wide and spun around in full speed till I was dizzy and it felt like the whole world was reeling and spinning and I was the only stationary object around.
Lazed and did nothing for days on end, just reading, watching old cricket matches for the umpteenth time, watching all sorts of movies on HBO and Star Movies, dreaming on my swing as I watched the sky aimlessly.
Star gazed till dawn lying on my tank on the terrace as I followed Orion and Great Dipper on their journeys across the universe.
Gone swimming to far off resorts and farms and dipped and played in the water and swum around till the sun came down.
Climbed trees and trekked across impossible cliffs and mountains discovering beauty with every branch and every curve in the roads I made for myself.
Taken off alone into a park with a book and sat under the whispering trees in the breeze and reading as I fell in love with the characters and authors who filled up my imaginary worlds.
Tripped on air. Chased the rain, Jumped in sand pits, baked mud pies, and all these things that I wish I could do right away and instantly gratify my desire to reclaim a life that has passed swiftly by…

Morning Wafts

The wafting morning coffee smells
Whispers and memories from beyond time,
Hanging in little clouds overhead,
Careless gestures flung into the blend,
Parting curtains filtering sunrays,
Stretches and tugs,
Snuggles and pillow fights,
Of morning awakenings in the light,
Sleep stupors slipping into the eyes,
Vague and vivid dreams fight to surface,
The mind all groggy opens slowly wide,
Lets in the sunshine,
Of yet another morning, warm or cold,
Rising to the hope of day…