Mocking Laughter

I am laughing at myself today, at the way i react to the external world and to the things going on around me. I wonder and think about everything that went wrong and all the things that didn't go right, things that made me the person i am today. I have been hurt beyond measure. I am laughing still. I have so much to say and no words to say it with and no audience to say it to. I am still laughing.

Its ironic, the promises in the past, the ones that broke, the ones that were mended, the ones that were never meant to be kept and the ones that were misjudged. I have swept the dust off the surface, but the specks have left their mark. I look at the refection and smile at the thought of what was then in the past and i laugh at what is now in the present and i laugh at the future. I laugh at the way life has thrown its surprises and challenges. I wish i was as young as i used to be, or maybe as young as i never was.

What if…

That is the primary question. But I do not have an answer to that one. I only have a counter question in answer to it. There is no ambiguity or so I had believed, but there are phases of self doubt and pangs of pain. I wish I had the power and the locus of control was within me, but as is the case everything spins off the orbit and goes off command.

I wonder about the ‘what if’s’ and ‘what not’s’ now, in a more delirious, haunting way, like slipping into tiny trances, of suspension. I do not know what the tomorrow holds in the folds of future, but I have control over my reactions in the present. I want to be in the now and stop wondering and fretting about a nonexistent tomorrow. But what if I can’t, now that’s again a what if.

Faint flush of youth

A sparking peerless smile,
A laughing carefree heart,
Intellect and wisdom,
Split worlds apart,
Threading together a joy,
That seeks nothing but fun,
Light and fluffy life floats on,
Into clouds of freedom,
Everything and everyone,
Painted caricatures of blobs,
Drifting across the mind’s eye,
Like a piece of wood in a storm,
Oblivious and untouched,
Moving slow and fast,
Fretting about trivial things,
All ado about nothing
Passion and anger in turns,
Twisting fate and the soul,
Fighting with sheer angst,
The trials and tribulations of life,
Deepening colours of being,
In a time of ardour and zeal,
Lusting for sinful desires,
In all earnestness from within,
All springing from a state of being,
Of a faint flush called youth.

E=mc2

Everything is relative; the world is spinning on an orbit around itself and revolving around the sun. But, even that is relative. The whole world runs on relativity.

My truth is relative, the fact that I am chocolate toned is relative, my love is relative, and my laughter is relative. I am relative. My language speaks to yours and my body responds to the relativity. I fade in and out of reality. But, the crux is that even reality is relative.

Something, nothing, everything, anything, all of it is possible at the same time. But what I choose to be in is where I will be and is how I will feel.

It’s a brilliantly intriguing concept and I am living in it, in a state of relativity. Of zero’s and one’s, the question of to be or not to be. Everything an arbitrary question with an answer that is just as relative.

A world of sense and nonsense in perfect harmony, blended into the nothingness of the universe.

Stolen

A sheet is missing,
From pages long written,
Hours spent in duress,
To pen the stray thoughts,
That plague the mind’s eye,
Begging to be written,
Losing themselves in a flood,
Of musings and after thoughts,
A torrent of words in tumbles,
So much toil in the sheets,
Written to freeze ideas,
To stop them from eating the dust,
But the page is now lost,
In time’s recesses,
And I am on the hunt,
As I look for the pages,
That have a story to tell.

Living a dream

A tiny little dream,
Tugs me on into worlds,
Unexplored and inviting,
They beckon me in,
I dive into their depths,
Discovering renewed life,
I smile unconsciously,
Their beauty, my inspiration,
Colours and painted rainbows,
Tinkling bells and dancing nymphs,
Laughter echoing in the emptiness,
Caves bathed in stalactite glows,
I walk paths never trodden,
Looking amidst the rushes,
Seeking a secluded space,
Where love and peace watch over,
Where I can bring him and hold him close,
Where I can whisper and scream,
Jump and dance unwatched,
As I confess to him my love,
In a dreamland entirely my own.

Odds and evens!

I peer deep into the corners,
Trying to straighten out the folds,
Creases and crevices gone wrong,
Edges all unevenly hewn,
I rake up the insides of it,
Trying to spot the trouble,
I ignore tell tale signs,
I look deeper into the rubble,
Was it there or was it perception,
I try to smooth out odds and evens,
Fathoming the secrets a task mammoth,
I sit by and look deeper still,
I wonder and fret and grow impatient,
I wait in a restless temper,
It does not seem to fix,
I brood on into the night,
Of life and its twists.

Its a strange cold!

The air is cold and still. The warmth is not in the comfort of the mattress or in the layers of the quilt. The cold has seeped in through the leaks, all the way to the insides of the heart, It claws its way deeper into the roots of a cozy warmth.

Cold, not a sudden blood rush and goosebumps cold, but a slow slithering cold, drippy and nerve raking. It bites and twirls around the body, a chilling shiver sent down the spine. The cold travels and freezes slowly, like dry ice, like a burst of carbon-di-oxide. I feel every inch of my body go slowly numb. Dragged into stillness by the cold.

Let go! Blow it away...

I think of the times i had tiny cotton fluff held between my fingers and let them go. Like slipping them into the air just to watch them drift down softly, to land without a sound, like a soft kiss to the ground.

Everything in this world is like that, like a piece of cotton fluff. People, circumstances, feelings and emotions. Held between fingers, letting go or just blowing it away, every time you hold it, you know you will let go. So watch every thing around you like an outsider, watching the drift of the cotton fluff, on its journey to the floor.

I let go, i watched, i smiled in the knowledge. Happiness is best felt when it is for someone who means the world to you, when they have a reason to be happy and you share in it. Unadulterated joy of knowing what immense happiness is for something that has no impact on you. You just know that someone happy brings you so much joy.

Letting go, is hard. It hurts and screeches and wails, but the wound seals up so soon with the love in the heart. It takes love and courage to let go, to feel that immense state of bliss of watching something go away. Yet your knowing that it was yours and touched you in such a pure way and filled you with a peace so alien, you thought it was a dream.

Some of us journey through life trying to survive and we forget to love and live. The key is in learning to differentiate. From laughter and tears, comes both joy and sorrow. Sift through them and hold on to the smiles, they are worth a lot more tahn you know.

Love is a piece of art that we seldom see and comprehend, all of us have a small piece of this jigsaw of art missing. Some link that is broken or some heartache that lies just beneath the surface. It is natural to feel pain, as natural as it is to love and love heals pain, all of it, slowly and softly, it dwells on in the heart and binds the soul. Blow the pain away, let the sorrow go...

Futile hunt for Inspiration

An aching back and no inspiration; that is the current scenario, my life has two current problems. The aching back has now become an everyday thing something I am getting used to again. The lack of inspiration is more complicated. I miss some people I don’t have in my life anymore; I miss the conversations and the talks. Also, I haven’t met anyone in a long time that is worth being inspired by.

I realized that there are a lot of really nice to really amazing people in my world who deserve love and respect. But, it ends there and does not spill over into a heady inspiration. I think I don’t have anyone in any celebrity lines either that inspire me.

People in general and their ideas and thoughts used to be really inspiring. Now there aren’t too many hitting me. There are people who evoke violent reactions though, pompous asses who believe that they are beyond everyone and they know everything there is and are demi gods to themselves. People who are so opinionated they refuse to acknowledge the fact that other people have opinions too. It is a pathetic thing to feel, this lack of inspiration.

Light and Airy

There are times when your heart feels light and airy, like you have taken it out and dusted it off all cobwebs and it is fresh and clean. All new perspectives in place, rose tinted glasses adorned, it is a great feeling. All luggage left behind, just a nice little flight on a magic carpet. Slow and easy yet a fascinating adventure.

Somehow, I feel like that today all nice and light and smiley. Like there is room for more madness and that new adventures are knocking on the door. It is truly a wonderful feeling, there is a lightness of being and the soul is contented and peaceful, yet seeking for more. A balance of sorts, that smoothes out the creases in the mind.

I jump and leap and fly to a new high and it is something that is lingering, I just hope it lasts.

Thoughts and Wings

Thoughts like little butterflies,
Flit across the restless mind,
Speeding off on flights to find,
More in the past or future,
To dwell upon and brood,
Others just visiting the bloom,
Of gardens planted yesterday,
Drinking from fountains today,
Darting off on driftwood in a stream,
Targeting views and opinions,
Like fishing with spears and arrows,
Striking the water and letting them swim,
Holding onto nothing just going with the flow,
Splashing with joy at the little waves below,
Tiny little thoughts all let loose,
To make their own journey,
To worlds of promise or doom.