Art

Pain endurance is an art and i am the best artist around.

Links to my life

I feel older, serious, stiff necked, I think my madness is shifting focus, the bigger things are taking up my time and attention and I am panicking. I wonder how well age catches up, things change perspective and colours change hues.

I was wondering what made me feel this way, disgruntled and unhappy, in a way incomplete even. It came to thinking of things I haven’t done in a really long time:

Torn up paper into tiny little bits and blown them out into the wind, just to watch them flit and flutter and fly with the breeze…
Danced nonstop, oblivious to the world and people watching me. Danced, till my legs hurt in their high heels and sweat dripped down my body, till my breath felt like it was wedged deep inside me and refused to surface.
Jumped in every little rain puddle and got drenched as the rain pelted down and hit every square inch of my body.
Laughed at silly jokes till tears rolled down my cheeks and I rolled on the floor holding my aching sides and trying to stop till I could no longer move with laughter cramps.
Played with little dew drops as they clung to leaves and surfaces and watched them glisten in the sunlight. Shaking up trees after the rains so all the raindrops would fall onto me.
Opened out my arms wide and spun around in full speed till I was dizzy and it felt like the whole world was reeling and spinning and I was the only stationary object around.
Lazed and did nothing for days on end, just reading, watching old cricket matches for the umpteenth time, watching all sorts of movies on HBO and Star Movies, dreaming on my swing as I watched the sky aimlessly.
Star gazed till dawn lying on my tank on the terrace as I followed Orion and Great Dipper on their journeys across the universe.
Gone swimming to far off resorts and farms and dipped and played in the water and swum around till the sun came down.
Climbed trees and trekked across impossible cliffs and mountains discovering beauty with every branch and every curve in the roads I made for myself.
Taken off alone into a park with a book and sat under the whispering trees in the breeze and reading as I fell in love with the characters and authors who filled up my imaginary worlds.
Tripped on air. Chased the rain, Jumped in sand pits, baked mud pies, and all these things that I wish I could do right away and instantly gratify my desire to reclaim a life that has passed swiftly by…

Morning Wafts

The wafting morning coffee smells
Whispers and memories from beyond time,
Hanging in little clouds overhead,
Careless gestures flung into the blend,
Parting curtains filtering sunrays,
Stretches and tugs,
Snuggles and pillow fights,
Of morning awakenings in the light,
Sleep stupors slipping into the eyes,
Vague and vivid dreams fight to surface,
The mind all groggy opens slowly wide,
Lets in the sunshine,
Of yet another morning, warm or cold,
Rising to the hope of day…

Stuck!

Thoughts wander to yesterdays and tomorrows and they linger on moments that light up like a flame from the past. Things, sounds, sights, feelings… Memories. Carved into niches of time. Distilled and double distilled and coloured by the mind and perception.

What happened to me will never be yours or anyone else’s; it is as unique to me as I am to the world. I feel and behave and think and remember only like I do. When the mind wanders, it plays games of hide and seek, light and darkness.

A simple rickshaw ride can bring a volley of moments and memories rushing into the mind. Every second we live we associate to the past and to the external present. The beauty of thoughts is that they blend and flow and melt. Into tiny crevices of your mind and the mind sees it all in parallel processes and universes.

I have lived every moment over several times. The moment is still and static. We change and move and alter. All there is is the one moment stuck in time and we live one moment in life over and over again, till the last breath. One single moment. Nothing before nothing beyond.

"The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock"

"Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon a table"

I have said and lived these lines so many times over I don't even remember the first time i read them. Ironic, something that left such a lasting impression on me and i don't remember when i read it.

Alfred and his love, the way its portrayed is just absolutely brilliant.

I lived Eliot and loved every word of his Wasteland also. I heard him read it out loud in his voice and it left marks on my mind.

I have delved deep into it and breathed it and felt it and it has stayed with me.

Let us go then, you and I :)

The evening awaits...

Alzheimers

I sit on a throne,
In a land of dreamers,
I sit restlessly still,

I forget how I felt
When I last wept,
How the tears rolled,
Washing down the pain,
In scattering torrents,
Rebelling attempts to ease…

I forget how I felt,
To be alone, lonely, tired,
Wanting to speak volumes,
But words failing me,
As I sat alone with my angst,
Its pain and sadness,
My only company…

I forget how I felt,
Brooding and dwelling,
On thoughts refusing to clear,
A sigh of deep regret,
For all that I had done,
Of thorns and nails strewn,
Across my life’s battlefield,

I forget how it felt,
I remember but I forget,
All of it an Alzheimer haze.

Bad Taste

Dark eerie silences that rip though,
Gnawing deep into painful recesses,
Oblivious to everything and everyone,
meaningless, still in pursuit of questions,
Lingering, unanswered clawing ones,
Hanging in the stillness of the air,
Orphaned by the answers that refuse to surface,
Silences that are walls, blocking even light,
Blank mundane boring replies and walls,
mocking the very essence of love,
Impatience laughing at thought,
Jeering and bemused with life,
The twists and turns of winding passages,
Horrid empty echoes of forced normalcy,
Silences that kill, one cell at a time,
Devouring love and joy,
Leaving a bad taste in your soul…